So if you read this blog than you know that I am going to be a father in just 7 short months. I think growing up children are always something I wanted, but not something I ever thought was going to happen to me until I got married. So an unexpected pregnancy was pretty overwhelming. I have had scares in the past, and your head fills up with a ton of emotions, but for the most part I spent that time trying to quell the fears of my significant other and not worrying too much about myself. Well when scare becomes a reality a whole new bag of worms is opened.
I rarely get scared or afraid of the unknown. If you know me well then you know that I live by a pretty simple motto of don't worry about things that are not in your control. If you do you will never be happy and you will always be worrying. If you know me I don't worry about anything. In my life things tend to work themselves out and I try not to get to worked up. Well last week was completely different. For one of the first times in my life, I was scared shit less. I had my first panic attack ever. I always handle anxiety but when dealing with an unexpected pregnancy everything is different. Here are some of the things I was so scared of.
- What is the right thing to do? Should we keep it knowing that we probably are not in the best situation to bring a child into this world. I have always been taught that you do not raise children unless you are married. That is one value my father actually did harp into me.
- Can I possible have a loved one go through an abortion? Just the name sounds evil. What type of long term effects, will it have, how much regret will we have.
- How in the world am I going to raise a family. I have trouble balancing a check book, I often forget simple tasks when i have more than one to do, I am one of the messiest people around, I routinely sleep through my alarm clock. Am I ready to be a dad?!?
These were the fears I had before Jenny and I had decided to keep this baby. Which I now think was the absolute correct decision. A difficult one yes, but I believe we made the right one. Well that was just the start of things. Now an all new batch of fears have popped into my head.
- Well I am still worried about whether or not I will be a good father. I mean that is the ultimate fear that I have, will I be good at this? I was lucky to have such a wonderful father and I hope to live up to the example he set, but there are no guarantees. Luckily that is a fear I have total control over.
- My second biggest fear is the health of the baby. I worry about this all the time, because it just seems like I am so helpless during this period. I can comfort Jenny and make sure she gets everything she needs but there is nothing I can do for that baby until he comes out, and that is a hard feeling to cope with.
- How are we going to be able to afford a baby. I mean my father, god bless him, wouldn't go a day with out letting me know how expensive children are. Lets just say at a young age he instilled this fear in my heart. I am not like him when it comes to finance and typically I have the nonchalant approach when it comes to money. If i have it spend it, if I don't, don't. I realize that probably wont work as well now that I have to take care of three people instead of one. Still this is something I don't worry as much about as maybe I should.
- What type of effect is this baby going to have on Jenny and I and our relationship. This is something we have tried to talk about a few times, just what this is going to mean for us. We want to do whats right for the child, but we also feel like rushing into a marriage would be a huge mistake. We are concerned that maybe we will not last through this, but we understand that because we know each other so well, we could make it work either way. What I mean by make it work is even if we do not ever get married, we are both comfortable and extremely happy with one another as the parent to our child. I know that is not the traditional way to go about this but I rarely am traditional. I think this is what will work for us, but it is still a fear I have. I mean the first thing most people ask you when you have a child out of wedlock is when are you getting married. I guess my answer would have to be, when I am sure she is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.
I didn't intend this to be such a long rant, but I just wanted to put this out there for people who may go through the same thing Jenny and I did. I think these fears are similar to everyone going through an unexpected pregnancy. Dealing with your fears is step one to this process. It can be a difficult one, and one I did struggle with until I was able to talk to people that had either been through it or could just offer me some different perspective. I rarely solve my problems locked in a room trying to figure them out on my own. Usually I figure out what is right through conversing with those who have experienced more than I have. Whatever you do, don't try and carry the burden of all of these fears by yourself. You are not the only one scared of the unknown, everyone is. It is just a fact of life. You will never be able to control every aspect of your life, chance will always play a part. As soon as you can understand and except that you will be able to stop worrying about things that are not in your control. You can then focus on making the most out of the situation you are put in, something I feel that I do very well. Am I still scared of the weeks, months, years to come, especially when it comes to raising this child? Yes I am. However I am dealing with them while moving on. I have enough things on my plate to worry about that are in my control. Like how I can make Jenny more comfortable. How am I going to quit smoking. How can i turn my house into something suitable for a baby? What can i do to better prepare myself to becoming a dad? These are things that need to be the focus of my time and energy, not things that I have no control over. I guess in other words this is my attempt to Deal With my Fear. It wont be easy, but I knew having children wouldn't be easy.
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4 comments:
You have a way of laying it all out there, Kid. I hope you feel better after that.
Well, at least this proves you are mostly sane, because those are pretty standard doubts and fears under the circumstances.
One thing that caught my eye:
"In my life things tend to work themselves out..."
Everytime I hear someone say that, I think of the exchange between Johnny Cash (played by Crazy Eyez Killa Joaquin Phoenix) and June Carter in the film "Walk the Line."
Johnny: "Those things work themselves out."
June: "No, John, people work them out for you. You just think they work themselves out."
Haha after reading what I wrote I realized I did just really put myself out there, but it wouldnt be the first time. I think one of the reasons I started this blog, was to put the things that I am going through out there just to keep myself sane. A journal if you will. Yeah I know that my fears arent just going to go away by ignoring them, but I do think you have to focus on things you can control and try and not let those things out of your control bother you.
Interesting quote you have there, I guess I never thought of it that way. But I think what I was trying to say, is that 99% of your fear is generated in your head, the problem isnt working it self out, it just isnt as big of a problem once you actually buckle down and face the facts. No I dont think I am just lucky, but I dont think people are handling my problems for me either. Basically it comes down to the simple fact that initially you may perceive an obstacle to big to overcome, but as you get closer to the obstacle you start believing in yourself that you will get over it. You may not know how, and worrying isnt going to get you over it, but somehow some way you will find a way. I guess more than anything that is what i was trying to relay with that rant.
Easy, partner. Not trying to dig on you. It's just part of growing up, which you've begun doing a lot more of in the last few days. Maybe it's just a semantic argument about the use of the words "work itself out." If you mean things will be okay, I agree. But only because you will make them that way.
My point is just that it is dismissive to say things have worked themselves out. Neither of us fully paid our way through college, but that worked out. It can be really, really tough to find a decent job that you like after college. Saving up money for a down payment on a house can take serious sacrifice. How did that shit get worked out?
Don't get me wrong, I'm not claiming that I've done everything on my own. Just the opposite. I've realized how difficult it is to get shit done and how much farther along I am because people were working a lot of shit out for me all along the way so that my own efforts actually carried me a lot further.
Now, you not only have to work this shit out for yourself, but you have other people in your life to whom you are now responsible to help them work things out.
I know I hadn't really made that transition at your age, but you just put your foot on the gas, bro. There's always help, but the buck stops with us now, whereas we used to sort of take a swipe at the buck as it was passed to somebody who could really finish it off.
Very well said
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