Movie Review: Star Trek

I went to see Star Trek at the Imax last week and although it shouldn't be considered for any academy awards, it was a fun and entertaining movie. One thing that clearly stuck out to me about this film was the cast of fairly unknown young actors. I loved this decision by the director. The problem with doing a movie like this is there are already attitudes in the audience head of how the character should be betrayed. I think when you use actors that do not have a long history of characters for the audience to look back at, the audience can better identify them in the roll that they are playing. I thought the two leads Captain James C. Kirk, Played by Chris Pine and Spock, played by Zachary Quinto, were just wonderful. I felt like they were able to portray the characters there own way, and that may have been hard if they were more familiar actors. Not to mention they are both very young which opens up the option for a few more of these movies down the road. The next thing that really stood out for me was the special effects, with any movie that is shot almost entirely in space, the special effects must be believable. This I am guessing is not a very easy thing to do, but director JJ Abrahams came up big with the visuals. Spending the extra 4 dollars to see this at the IMAX was worth it. On these two points alone, an up and coming cast, and great visuals I give this movie a recommendation. However, it is far from a flawless film. The story is one I have seen done a ton of times and I absolutely hate it. A villain that is from the future comes back in time to alter that future. I absolutely cannot stand when a movie does this, the idea of time travel is a relatively cool concept, but understand you open yourself up to many plot holes when you do this. Another big problem i had was with action scenes. The actors although are very good, were somewhat unbelievable in there fight scenes. I am a big fan of the Michael Mann type action sequences that are well choreographed and believable. In this movie I was bored by all the fight sequences and they all felt pretty similar. The last flaw I had with this film were the villains. They were not scary, or interesting at all. I was surprised by that too because the lead villain, Nero, played by Eric Bana, is one of my favorite actors. I don't know what it was but I never once felt like there was an overriding theme of good vs evil, like you typically see in these types of movies. All the interesting conflicts were between the crew members of the USS Enterprise.

The parts of the story I really did enjoy were how the crew of the enterprise came to know each other, and how James Kirk became captain of the ship. Those conflicts were pretty interesting, however as the movie carried on, all I cared to think about were the cool special effects, and I lost interest in the story. However it was a good popcorn flick and worth checking out.

Humpday: Danneel Harris

Humpday: Olivia Wilde

Olivia is currently sitting #1 on Maxim's hot 100 for 2009, and although I cannot say she is better looking than Meghan Fox, she is still a stunning beauty. Olivia has done mainly TV roles including a starring role on Fox's House. I would guess feature film is right around the corner. Interesting tidbit I read her real name is Olivia Cockburn. Not sure how true it is but judging by the raw skin on the base of my shaft, the name is quite fitting. Enjoy!

Finally, an honest and helpful grad speech...

This is boosted from writer Drew Margary's Balls Deep column as published on Deadspin.com.

It's about time somebody told the graduates something useful. I think I will be copying a few of these gems into the grad cards this year before I slide in the old $5 bill. The full speech is at the link above, but I think these selected points deserve re-publishing:

Going out will stop being appealing to you. What? I have to put on pants? And pay $5 for a drink when I have 30 beers in the fridge? And talk to people? FUCK. THAT.

The greatest indicator of your future success in the business world will be your ability to lie. Your degree is worthless. The only thing that will determine your chances of getting ahead is a surefire way to convince your boss you weren't cc'ed on some email that told you to do something you never bothered to fucking do.

Weekends will stop being fun. During weekdays, you get to sit at a desk and look at Keyboard Cat videos. During the weekend, you get to pull weeds, install smoke detectors, and feed screaming children. Guess which part of the week is more enjoyable? HAPPY MONDAY, FUCKO.

Rent. If you rent, you can call someone to fix shit if it breaks. FOR FREE. Is that worth not ending your life owning some old house your kid is just going to sell for pot money anyway? Fuck and yes.

The key to a decent existence is owning a good bed. Most of your future life will be consumed with addressing reams and reams of tedious bullshit. You'll have to work. You'll have to run errands. You'll have to clean shit and pick shit up. Your only salvation is that fucking bed at the end of the day. So make sure it kicks ass in every conceivable way. Get it all: the pillowtop mattress, the egg crate, the featherbed underneath, the nice comforter on top… ALL THAT SHIT. No day is ever that horrible if you have a sultan's rest awaiting you. You'll still wake up at 6AM involuntarily. But at least you'll still be nice and cozy when you do.

Got all that, graduates? Feel ready to go out and change the world now? No? Good. Because the world changes on its own terms, without your fucking input, thank you very much. The only thing you can do is adjust. Remember: the world has been around a whole lot longer than you have, and it has a limitless arsenal of ways to DESTROY YOUR FUCKING SHIT. So don't go out there thinking your going to impact it in any kind of meaningful way. You'll be here a little longer, then you'll die, then shit'll move on without you. Don't like it, Pollyanna? Tough fucking shit.

So I am at my grandma's funeral and out of nowhere I get this raging clue...

This is one of the better links I have found in a while Awkward Boners I doubt anyone will have the stones to give a good story for themselves. It reminds me of the Curb episode where Larry has the tent pants that makes it look like he always has wood. I dont remember any instances where I popped a chub in an awkward situation, hell with the amount of whisky that I will take them whenever I can get them.

Who's Up for Some Mother Lovin?

Not as good as dick in the box and my personal fave jizz in my pants, but pretty funny none the less.

What is Your Worthless Talent?

Cracked.com has a great list of 6 people with amazing talents that are absolutely worthless. Man I think I this list can pretty much describe 95% of my friends. One of my friends in particular is the next Bobby Badfingers (pictured). Anyways this is definately worth a look.

Link

I am not sure what my most worthless talent is. I am pretty good helping girls that don't really love themself hit rock bottom but that is about it. What is your most worthless talent?

Movie junkie, cont.

I know this review may spark some argument from our large, flavorful blog founder, but it is what it is.

The Wrestler

For me, this film just didn't live up to the hype and critical acclaim. Mickey Rourke plays a man who is basically strung out on the brief and fleeting national fame he gained as a pro wrestler in his younger days, and who just can't stop going back for the empty fix that small-time wrestling in front of small crowds gives him. Therefore, he's willing to sacrifice all responsibilities, meaningful relationships and his own face, body and health to keep getting his applause fix. So basically, Rourke plays himself. Ba-dum bump.

Don't get me wrong, Rourke expertly plays the role of a loser who puts 100% into the superficial pursuit of second-rate celebrity, while paying half-hearted lip service to meaningful things. Rourke creates a small-time wrestling version of Rocky Balboa without heart. He's not even torn between the third-rate spotlight and the things in his life that are missing or that have been missing him. Even when he pretends to get interested in the daughter he abandoned - only because his true love of being at centerstage might kill him - that wears off when a couple of bar whores buy him shots and offer to exchange STDs with him. Why? Because they feed his celebrity monkey. When he realizes that being a real person and building relationships just doesn't do it for him, he finally abandons all relationships in his life and all respect for his own life for one more round of applause.

There's certainly something compelling and sad about a character study of somebody with a one track mind who will pursue the superficial, immediate gratification of minor fame over anything meaningful or worthwhile. The difficulty is that I didn't really give a shit about the character, even as realistically as he was portrayed.

The most interesting character was the stripper portrayed by Marisa Tomei. She showed some sympathy for the old douchebag while still keeping the whole thing in perspective. She also holds a clever mirror up to the wrestler's face - not that he noticed - with her resistance to moving their relationship anywhere beyond dancer and customer. "I don't date customers." Exactly. There is no honest, meaningful relationship to be had between a performer and his or her consumers. That's not a personal relationship.

The stripper realizes she gets nothing real by sacrificing her dignity for her customers other than the money - which is what she is in it for. The wrestler hardly makes a living sacrificing his body, but somehow continues to make the mistake of thinking that his audience can offer him family. This interaction between the stripper who gets it and the wrestler who doesn't further exposes the flaw in the wrestler's fruitless but never-ending effort to find emotional satisfaction by being in front of strangers. He'll never find it there, but he never stops trying and he never learns it. Again, it's sad, but I couldn't figure out why the stripper gave him the time of day, much less why I should care about him.

The film almost hit home for me when the wrestler goes back to the ring for the last time, knowing that he may not survive it. This is because I thought he was about recognizing that his pursuit of bullshit had left him with nothing, so he may as well kill himself with it, not unlike the alcholic who loses his job, wife, kids and home and makes a conscious choice to drink himself to death. However, the wrestler shirks this reality and celebrates his return to the ring with what appears to be his honest, heartfelt assessment that these redneck wrestling fans really are his family. Instead of realizing he has nothing, he claims to have something that doesn't exist. He learns nothing.

There was a lot to like about this film, including the performances by Rourke and Tomei and the interesting similarities between their trades. However, the story and the process the main character went through was stagnant and a linear move from Point A to... Point A. I think the story could have been much better and some easy tweaks could have really had me in the wrestler's corner at the end. As it stood, I felt a little cheated that I didn't get the satisfaction of watching him die.

Holy Shit! 9 months?

As of today, our son Myles is 9 months old. It's really hard to believe how fast it has gone. He's now been out in the world a few days longer than he was inside his mama's belly. It's just amazing how much he's changed from a little, crumpled up baby to a big, loud, strong little boy. I now understand how parents say they put their 2-year old to bed and suddenly wake up one day, they're in their 50s, their kid is out of college and has some broad knocked up. WTF happened?

There are a lot of difficult times and long nights, especially in the beginning, but the good stuff way more than makes up for it.

What's better than this?

Movie junkie...

So, in the past several weeks, I've finally gotten around to viewing some of the more celebrated films of 2008, including Doubt, Changeling, Frost/Nixon, Slumdog Millionaire and The Wrestler. Quite a mixed bag, ranging from brilliant to merely interesting to... huh?

I'll try to offer some comments on each of them over the next several days. I like to save the best for last, so let's start with the shittiest.

Changeling

So, as it turns out, Angelina Jolie is actually a shitty enough actress to piss all over the fantastic story-telling of Clint Eastwood. On the flip side, she is also a fine enough chunk of tits and ass to get award nominations just for rolling out of bed in the morning. The worst acting perfomance to get an Academy nomination in my lifetime. Great tits, though.

The film tells a bizarre true story that is also an off-shoot of the even more bizarre true story of the infamous "Wineville Chicken Coop Murders" - a case so notorious that Wineville isn't called Wineville anymore. The story is compelling to begin with, and with Eastwood's hands on it, I expected better. I hated Jolie's character, and she was supposed to be the heroine. The real Christine Collins deserved a better portrayal. Jolie wasn't believable as a mother whose son has gone missing. She wasn't believable as a mother in the scenes with her son. She wasn't believable as an adult in the scenes where the police are pushing her around. An all around shitty performance. Because of old Clint's boner for Jolie and the money she can bring to the box office, we will never know how great a film this might have been with a less attractive woman who can act. I think Toni Collette would have made this a masterpiece.

The movie was at its best and most powerful when Jolie was not on the screen. Unfortunately, she was on the screen about 90% of the time. The new child actors playing each of the boys are exceptional, especially the 15-year old Sanford Clark (played by 15-year old Eddie Alderson) who finally explains the shocking disappearance of young Walter Collins. Alderson's performance in the scene in which he finally tells his story to the detective seeking to deport him to Canada is worth the price of the rental alone. It is in Eastwood's telling of the story of the tragic fate of those many children that the film shines, mainly because Jolie isn't there to fuck it up with her bullshit, "look at me, I'm pretty, I must be acting" approach.

For the rest of the film, here we have the absolutely true and infuriating story about a woman thrown into a mental institution by the police because she CORRECTLY pointed out that the boy the police returned to her was not her son whom had gone missing several months earlier. I was supposed to hate the police for what they did. Instead, I found myself agreeing with the police that Jolie's version of the mother was too stupid, emotionally devoid and disconnected and too annoying to be believed on this point. Fuck her. Next movie.

Caption Contest

Well I it has been 2 weeks since the Gruny picture went up and like predicted we got plenty of comments. I think C$$$ was my winner with his second comment. Craig I think a lot of people are switching to your style of caption, even though they basically resemble stories. Anyways they are funny so keep them coming. Good luck to this week, no need to place nice either people.

Manny Being Manny

As you probably already know the first high profile star has been suspended under the MLB's new drug program, and that star is none other than Manny Ramirez. Ramirez who just signed a 1 year deal worth 25 million dollars now has been suspended for 50 games. It is unknown what substance that he tested positive for, but it sounds like it was prescribed to him from a Dr, so you can be sure that he will appeal. However it is unlikely he will win.

All of this steroid talk has my mind racing and I want to raise a couple questions to my readers. I find it very interesting what the MLB calls performance enhancing drugs, and why in sports these are so frowned upon. I had this conversation with a buddy and he quickly pointed out that baseball and track are games in which people really compete against themselves to try and break records. Since many of the biggest records in sports were around before PEDs, those that get caught using are looked at like cheaters. But I want to look at sports like baseball a little differently, what if you consider baseball the job of these many athletes. Would we still frown on them using PEDs?

My argument is basically this. Millions of people every day get up for work, and have to slam three cups of coffee in order to be able to do the simplest tasks. Caffeine is not a banned substance, but it does have health risks, and nearly every place of business serves coffee for there employees. Now take a look at US soldiers, I read an article recently talking about how many soldiers use steroids, and how the govt has basically turned a blind eye on steroid use. I cannot find the specific article I read but basically it said the military does not test for anabolic steroids just drugs that would be used for recreation or that deteriorate your mind. If you are a soldier that is risking his life every day, when your physical ability may allow you to survive another day, than why wouldn't you use. These people are well aware of the risk, and they are willing to risk it to be better at there job, and I don't think anyone has a problem with the people protecting our country using a PED?

Lets take this one step further and look at all the students that pop and snort aderol like it is candy because it helps them focus, stay up late, and improve there work ethic. I mean I wish I knew about the drug because it would have made my life a helluva lot easier. I mean I would consider this a performance enhancing drug, you can do things a lot easier than you are normally able to. The frat boy that parties all night can stay up all morning and study no problem by snorting a few pills. Where the typical student has to have the discipline to study, get a good nights rest, wake up early to continue to study, before taking the exam. I would say the student who had help focusing through all that would have a distinct advantage. If you look at college as a job in which I think you can with how competitive schools are getting than I think you should consider that people that use this drug are cheaters, and they should be looked at as cheaters. Yet it is probably one of the easiest drugs to get your hands on, and I have yet to hear about many big aderol busts, or congressional hearings to figure out if Johnny got a straight A's on his own accord or whether or not he was using a PED.

Now this is where it gets even more fun. Lets look at all the artist, sculptors, and musicians who use Hallucinogens. Now it is easy to say that marijuana or mushrooms do not make you a creative person that is something you are born with. However I would argue that if you take a look at music or art as there profession, than I think you can name several instances where people have made more money because they used drugs. I do not think anyone would argue that some musicians that use drugs like LSD, Marijuana, and Mushrooms are more popular than those that don't. I don't think Curt Kobain would be as popular today, if he didn't have to battle drugs. Same could be said with Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, Jimmy Hendricks, the Beatles, hell wasnt Da Vinci a regular absinthe user? I think you could argue that drugs helped them make more money, and in that case they could be considered as PEDs. However in all these cases drugs are not frowned upon the way they are in baseball. Hell in this example the are downright part of the norm.

I guess why are we willing to allow musicians, soldiers, and hell just your average IT guy who drinks 12 glasses of Joe a day, damage his body for the good of his job or to better further himself. Yet we make a huge deal when some athlete is putting this stuff in his body to extend his career? I just find it freaking hilarious that again we focus are attention to this problem in a spot where it is probably least prevalent. I would guess the amount of people that use aderol to get a leg up dwarfs the amount of baseball players that use steroids , but I have yet to see many congressional hearings regarding this. It is just interesting to me, and now I want to open the floor to the readers to give there opinion. Please let me know how big of an idiot I am.

B2F

God I love these interviews.

Between Two Ferns With Zach Galifianakis from Between Two Ferns

Steve Stricker golf outing

Not sure if anyone would be interested but May 23rd at the Edgerton Golf Course, Steve Stricker is coming home and having an outing. To get in you have to buy a raffle ticket for $10, 6 for $50. How it works basically. With the raffle ticket you are entered to golf a hole with Stricker and many other prizes. I am pretty sure after the even they are raffling and silent auctioning off his clubs, underoos and pretty much anything they can strip off of him. The proceeds go to the golf course and a charity of the GC's choice. Also with your purchase of a raffle ticket, after Stricker finishes his outing it is all the golf you want. Which for 10 bucks is a great deal. It starts at 10am so I would imagine after 3pm it would be wide open.
I am going to go and golf in it. If anyone is interested, I would like to have a bash at my crib. I live across the street from the course, driving home in a cart shouldn't be a huge deal. Let me know, it sounds like it should be a good time. If you would like more info let me know. I can get you tickets to it.
Oh and the last time I golfed this course I broke my fucking leg. I always say break my leg once shame on me, me take a shit in the 4th hole cup shame on you! I think you know where my head is at. Lets get after it fellas.

MAKE ME A BICYCLE CLOWN!!!!!!

I am imagining this guys gets a boner and it explodes, every time....AND HE SCOOOOOORRRREEEESSSSSSSSSSSSS!



Hat tip to Carson again

I am white and I love to blog

This blog is perfect for a white person..........and a black person....and a hispanic.



Thanks Carson

Unfortunately, I Suck Dick at Fucking Pussy

If you are in the same boat as me then you will love this link. It is a collection of bad sex stories, I am sure I have a few to add when I get a chance. Definately worth a look.

The Onion Strikes Again

Three Fingered On Class Trip To Washington, D.C.
April 25, 2009 | Issue 45•17

WASHINGTON—Less than 24 hours into their class trip to Washington D.C., ninth-graders from Middleton Junior High School are reporting that three of their female classmates have been fingered...full article

* * *
"I think these trips are so important because they get the kids out of their little bubble back at school," said chaperone and ninth-grade history teacher Heidi DeWitt, whose daughter has been fingered twice during the excursion. "Washington, D.C. is such an amazing city. I'm sure this will be an experience these kids will never forget."

Texts From Last Night

My buddy Jon sent me this link and it is pretty funny. It is basically a website in which you can send your favorite drunk texts to so everyone can see. Basically a drunk twitter page. Here is the link.

Some of my favorites.

(417): He has such a weird drunk-voice.
(1-417): dude, he's deaf.

(405): Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?

(401): my mouth tastes like poor choices

(949): Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.

There are so many more that I like. Great find McGarnagle.