Happy New Year!

New Year's Eve to New Year's Day. Sure, it's just an arbitrary line drawn upon eternity, but at least it's an agreed upon moment at which most of the world pauses and draws a bold line between the time that has passed and the time that is yet to come to pass.

For many, it has become a time to party and celebrate the transition. It's a pretty fucking optimistic practice actually - to "celebrate" a new year before anything good has even happened. Perhaps we're just celebrating the opportunity to have another year to work with and try to get our bullshit act together. We celebrate it on faith, I guess.

Some people will be celebrating that they had a fantastic 2008 and are hopeful for continued good fortune in 2009. Others will celebrate putting that shitstain of a year 2008 behind them forever and hoping for the best in the coming year. Adam Duritz spoke for many when he wrote, "A long December, and there's reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last."

I have nothing against a good NYE party, I've lampshaded a few in my day. Still, I've always liked to use the occasion as a opportunity to reflect. To wax pompously about the significance of the passing of time, the recognition of milestones and the creation of Top 5 lists, Nick Hornby style.

I'd love to be able to establish a new tradition - new to me, anyway - among the folks I celebrate NYE with. In this case, because I'm mainly waiting for you to stop talking so I can say something interesting, I limit it to Top 1 lists. Not to ruin a good party with introspective, philosophical bullshit, but maybe to inject some meaningful, personal conversation into the pre-party, base-building dinner.

I challenge each of you - or in the case of our reader(s), just you - to reflect on 2008 that has passed and 2009 yet to come. For 2008, what is the single best, greatest thing that happened to you? What is the single worst thing or your greatest disappointment? Go ahead. I'll wait.

Once you've sobbed and wallowed your way through some honest reflection on 2008, pick your head up and look to the future. What is your greatest hope for 2009, for you personally? What do you really hope to do, bring about, change, etc.? Second, what is your greatest fear for 2009? Honestly, what is foreseeable in 2009 that you really could fuck up in a tragic way?

I think this breaks it down to the essence of what is important to you. What kind of person are you? What really matters to you?

I'll start with an easy one. The greatest thing that happened to me in 2008 - most likely ever - was the addition of our son, Myles, who joined us in August. I just can't explain how awesome it is to have him in our lives, so I won't even try. The worst thing that happened to me was the effect of the market decline on my 401k. It's depressing to pour $10,000 into an account and find there is far less in it now than there was before your put the $10,000 in it. That's how great my year was for me and my family, losing some money that I don't need for 30 years was the absolute worst thing. No deaths in the family. No serious illnesses. Nobody lost their home or their job. Not too fucking shabby, 2008.

For 2009, my greatest hope is that my son will continue to grow and develop happily and in excellent health and that I will learn to be a great father to him. On the other side of that coin, my greatest fear for 2009 is that I will fail him in some meaningful way.

So, spit it out, douchebags. I don't mean figuratively. Post your damn responses, now, before the fucking year is gone forever.

I'll leave you with the 18th century poem by Scotsman Robert Burns, which was set to music and became one of my favorite songs. "Auld Lang Syne" translates roughly to "old long past." When marking the passage of time, it's also right and proper to remember old friends and drink to their memory. This song is one of the greatest things about New Year's Eve. Should we forget about old friends and the good old days? Fuck no, let's drink to 'em!

Should auld acquaintance be forgot
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
And days of auld lang syne?
For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne,
We'll tak' a cup o' kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.

Should auld acquaintance be forgot
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
And days of auld lang syne?
And here's a hand, my trusty friend
And give's a hand o' thine
We'll tak' a cup o' kindness yet
For auld lang syne.

C-Weeds xmas poopdate

Before I get into the meat and potatoes, I want to say this. I had a very good xmas spending time with my families. Always very enjoyable and everyone is always very gracious, good times were definitely had. I have been looking forward to the holidays for some time now for all the reasons above. I normally don't get that excited, but this year was different. My sister had a new baby girl named Ruby a few weeks ago that I have not seen yet. So I was pretty excited to see my new niece and of course my other niece and nephews they are always pretty comical. My dad has been out of the hospital for a few weeks and is doing really good, so I was looking forward to spending time with him and the Oren family. And of course being newly engagded I was looking forward to spending time with my fiances family and finally getting to tell other family I hadn't seen about the big news. So yeah lots of things to be excited for.
Well...now let me tell how shitty of a xmas I had...
Christmas eve-
My truck has been rattling like a son of a bitch for about a week. So the only time I could get it into the dealership was christmas eve, and my fucking day off at 7:30 am. Dont worry the Parts Fucker told me it would only take an hour since he ordered the part the day before and would be there when I got there early as fuck in the morning. So I promptly arrive and 7:30 am,
Parts Fucker says "eeesh Craig, hey it turns out we couldnt find an aftermarket part and the GM Certified part is going to be about $650 and the total will be about $750...sorry man."
Me-"uuuhhh, wwwhhaat, well you better find a aftermarket one."
PF-"uh, oh yeah We are on it we think we might have one, let me talk to my manager, go wait in the waiting room there is a TV, coffee, and todays newspapers I will be right with you."
So I go sit in the WR. 1 hour later PF comes back in and says this,
PF-"OK we couldnt find an AM part but we will give you the AM part price for the GM certified part."
ok so not bad it will be $100 less. I called around other places before commiting to it, All the quotes I found were comparable. So I went with GM and there "going into bankruptcy certified catalitic converter".
PF-"It will only take about an hour, have a seat I will come and get you when it is finished."
hour and twenty minutes later...
PF-"Hey Craig, so it turns out we were supposed to get the part but our driver got stuck in the weather it should be about 15 more minutes."
Me-"uhhh ok."
45 minutes later...
PF-"Hey Craig, so the part just got here it should only be about one more hour, I am really sorry about this."
Me-"uhhh ok"
11:ooam-
PF-"hey sorry this is taking so long, but we broke a muffler braket we had to go get another one. Should be dont in about 10 more minutes.
Me-"ughhhh ok?!?!"
11:30 am rolls around and my name gets called to hand the cashier $650. I promptly scramble to the cashier desk and pay the fuck up. So not only did I get to take the morning off but I got to pay $650 to sit around a shitty waiting room for 4 hours. Fucking gay!
Next I drive hour and half in shitty weather to Montello, semi's jacked knife all over no big deal.
Xmas eve-
Everything went really well, xmas day went really well. Xmas night we went out to the keg with some friends I hadnt seen in a long time and my sister. Really good time, things are looking to really shape up.
Friday morning-Wake up, feel like I drank a bottle of bleach and slammed my head in a car door. I didnt think that was totally out of the ordinary since I drank about 16 double 7&7's at the keg. I will get through it. So I decided what better way than to cure a hang over than a case of cub foods bottled water and the entire season three of Dexter. 12 hours later I was still flushing all of my bodily fluids through my chocolate star fish. I think I came down with the flu, fucking great. So I go to bed early thinking tomorrow will be a new day, I should be able to kick what ever bug I got.
Saturday morning-
Still feel like shit and since I laid on the couch for 12 hours my giant vagina I call my lower back feels like I was dropped 3 stories onto a pole and my body bent over it like a wet noodle. Tons of pain! So we had our Mulhern xmas at Prairie Lanes, which I was really looking forward to since I love to booze and bowl. What better way of spending time with my family, I was pretty stoked. I was taking it easy since my stomach was still all fucked up and I wanted to take some money from my cousins. A few bloody mary's later and I am ready to roll. 8 frames in, I throw my back out, I am struggling to walk. God this fucking sucks! Now I am pissed because I threw my back out and I feel like shit, now I dont want to talk to anyone. I am pretty sure I was the lamest ass hole there. I felt bad because I havent seen a lot of my extended family since they live far away and the last thing I want to do is talk to people and be friendly. What is a guy to do, I dont know I still feel bad about it. Deal with it I guess.
Sunday-
Ok so I have had enough, this week cant get any worse. I still feel like shit, my back is really killing me now. I am going to pack up my shit, head home and hopefully watch the packers try to beat the 0-15 Lions. I go start up my truck start packing my bags. Come back out and yup I locked my keys in my running truck! WTF how is a 2004 vehicle even capapble of being on and locking the doors. Who the fuck knows but I sure figured out how to beat the system.
I think I am 15 steps closer to realizing I have the worst luck ever. Nothing ever goes smoothly with me, it seems like everything I do ends up fucked up. Yeah I know the old cliche "it could of been worse" but you know what, blow me

Not To Sound Like an Asshole But...

Every year we hear about people of the south forced to leave there homes because of tropical storms and how devastating they are. I usually turn the channel and say how is this a fucking trajesty they live in an area where these storms happen every year. Mother nature can be a real bitch, and devastating as hell, but I am not going to feel bad for you. I know that sounds terrible until you read this link About 220,000 people around the world died in natural disasters and only a handful of those actually happened in the US. The biggest death toll was an event I am pretty ashamed to say I never even heard about. I find these studies pretty interesting, because at some point these weather changes, and the cost that weather changes have had on this world are really going to have to be put on the front burner. The article also points out that the top 10 warmest years on this earth have all occured in the last 12 years. Not to sound like Al Gore, but holy shit maybe we shouldnt be ignoring this stuff.

Holiday Recap

Well it has been a long time since I last posted, and I cant say I have been that busy, just away from a computer. The holidays for me typically are a time where everyone is happy and I am usually a depressed piece of shit, that only finds the negatives with everything. The holidays can bring the worst out in people and because of this I have grown to hate them, but this year has been suprisingly good. This is the first Xmas in a few years in which I have a woman in my life, so I had twice as many xmas' as I typically would. I figured this would anger me considerably, but all of them were painless and I actually really enjoyed spending time with my girlfriends family. My immediate family celebrates xmas on the 24th and we had quite the spread. I made pasta, aspargus, and a salad, and my dad grilled lobster, shrimp, and scallops. I personally downed probably 2 lbs of seafood and we still had plenty of leftovers. We always eat like kings at xmas. Then we shared gifts and I was spoiled once again. My mom got me a great gift. She got me tickets to see Jerry Seinfeld at the Overture center on Friday night. I am very excited to go see him, and also try at the restaurant at the Overture which I hear is amazing. My girl friend probably stole the best gift award as she got me a watch that is much to nice for these chubby wrists, but I like it very much. I kind of feel bad that I just got her an Ipod, so I am going to have to do something to make up for it. Other than that it was just nice to be with family, and hanging out with my brother, who I hadnt seen in a while.

This week should be pretty damn slow at work. The construction business really slows down this time of year, and when you mix in a bad economy and we are really slow. Relief is in site as we have a few nice projects getting started but, right now we are just doing inventory and that type of thing. I am actually moving offices so I am just packing stuff up this week.

Oh yes NYE is upon us and hopefully it ends up much better than NYE past. I always get my hopes up about how much fun I am going ot have and then am dissapointed when i get in a fight, have to deal with large crowds, and basically just put up with how retarded celebrating a ball drop really is. It is a new year, big fucking deal. It is a time for everyone to start something they will inevitable quit 2 months down the road. I used to have this saying a new year a new beginning, because each year I could start being a good person again after things get pretty bad towards the end of each year previous. Well this year should be no different as I am going to get some clinical help for my tobacco addiction as I just didnt have the will to quit on my own. Anyways I dont want to get into a New Years post, I just wanted to say that I will be going out in Milwaukee with about 50 of my closest friends, so dont see how this could be a bad NYE. We will be tearing up Karma from 8 to 1 and then lord knows where. If anyone has some sleeping space avaialable that night let me know! Anyways I hope everyone had a wonderful xmas break and I wish every one a happy new beginning.

Let me check. Yup, still fat.

So, as our regular reader(s) may recall, I foolishly entered into a fat pact with a couple of other fat-asses to try to lose some weight by March 9, 2008. We started a couple of days before Thanksgiving (idiotic) and the ending date is based upon a Vegas trip to be taken by some of the participants. The deal is you lose 10% of your body weight by the deadline or you pay the others.

My "progress" so far: I chubbily weighed in at a whopping 234.5 on the opening day of Nov. 24. Now, 4 weeks into it, after a brief dip under 230, I am sitting at a morbidly obese 231.5. So, I've lost 3 pounds in 4 weeks, with only 11 weeks to go. At this rate, I would lose only about half of the 23.5 pounds I need to drop by March 9.

Still, I haven't really done much to help myself. Holiday parties, boozing, not working out (other than snow removal). I have changed my eating, especially for breakfast and lunch and small snacks, but spending time after work clearing snow, Christmas shopping, slow traffic in the snow, etc. has rushed dinner and had us grabbing Q-doba or Chinese food or whatever a couple of nights per week rather than cooking healthy food, and that will have to stop. I've kind of told myself that I just need to hold the line and not let it get away from me over the holidays and then really get off my ass for those last 10 week after the holidays.

I earned being fat the hard way. Large pizzas. Couch time. Swilling booze. I'm still committed to making the contest weight, but in the grand pageant, I really don't have a problem with a new scheme that drops 3 or 4 pounds per month. I'd be down 40 pounds in a year, feeling pretty good by next Christmas.

Let's be honest, no matter how much weight I lose, I'm way past thinking anybody wants me to take my shirt off. It's not about getting back my youthful swagger. My biggest motivator is that I don't want to be Fat Dad to my kid. The guy who is too tired and lazy to get off the couch and play some ball in the yard. The guy who teaches his son, by example, to eat until the pizza box is empty and then have a snack and a twelver on the couch. The guy who has a heart attack and dies before age 63. You know, like my dad. And his dad.

Why are you not watching [adultswim] ?!

Aqua Teen Hunger Force

Home Movies



Frisky Dingo

Lucy Daughter of the Devil

A picture is worth...

Merry Christmas, Packers fans!

DAAAAHHHHHHH!

For a long time I have bounced back and forth on whether or not Debra "the elusive schnaze" Messing is hot. One minute she is super hot than the next she turns and unleashes the monstrosity medical doctors call her nose.
I was looking for a perfect example and I came across this little gem of a photo. Fuck scary as hell. Check out this link for other examples of celebs who look like dog shit in real life. I know I feel a little bit better about myself.

I Think Kanye Is Pulling the Wool Over Everyones Eyes

I got a text from my roommate this weekend that said, "he has more evidence that Kanye West is the best rapper ever". Well first of all aaron get a clue, I stopped listening to your musical opinion as soon as you traded me the Master P, Ghetto D cd, for Mase our sophomore year in high school. You are just accustomed to liking shitty music and that is cool. I understand, however I did some reseach, and found this to be the video (below) in which aaron told me that Kanye is the best rapper, and all can say is are you fucking kidding me? I guess he calls that singing and his new sound is really taking over the world despite how awful it is. It sounds like this is the last leg of a 10 year tour. I remember when he ripped on Justin Timberlake about not having any talent, and I am not a big JTim fan but come on it is not even close when you compare the two. Kanye may sell some records but he has America fooled.

Dont get me wrong, I like some Kanye. When his first album dropped I thought to myself this guy is going to be one of the best music producers tome come along in a while. His beats were great, his voice (message) was new and different. However the Louis Vuitton Don has now come to this. I respect him for trying something new, for putting out a different sound, but stick to what you are good at becasue this is horrible. What is worse, is my other roomie Jake is someone who I respect very much for his appreciation for music, and I have been hearing him sing this shit all weekend. I just dont understand. I mean his sound is a lot better after it is digitally altered and what not. To be honest I dont know how he makes himself sound reasonable talented but he has fooled a lot of people. This is basically a guy who can write some clever lines, and come up with amazing beats, but he is a terrible singer, a terrible rapper and I think it is amazing that this is what american pop music has come to. I heard an interview where Kanye wants to be compared with Elvis when he is done. Wow is all I can say to that. I dont know that much about music, but I do know that people like the beatles, elvis, Hendrix, Zeppelin, Michael Jackson, Prince, they all were very talented and they all transcended the boundaries known to music at the time. Kanye may try very hard to be compared with those legends, but in my mind he will always be famous for the same reason Lil Wayne is. The children that listen to the radio and buy this garbage have no fucking clue what good music is. They like a good beat that will stick in there head until the next terrible song comes out that they can change there ring tone to. Dont get me wrong,some of these songs are very catchy, but america lets not be fooled into calling this good music.

Alternative Christmas Music

Don't get me wrong, I love a good Christmas carol on Christmas Eve while sitting by a crackling fire, admiring the Christmas tree, which is lit up like - well - a Christmas tree. Give me Bing Crosby, Frank Sinatra, Nat King Cole, give me Johnny Cash singing Little Drummer Boy. Despite my bastard exterior, I had a childhood, too.

Still, What I find nauseating is those same songs played over and over and over again on a continuous loop in every store beginning the day after Halloween and continuing through to Easter. Enough already, you evil green and red money warriors for Satan!!!

Now, certainly there is a warm, loving tone to a family Christmas get-together, but let's face it. The reality is that being around your family for too many hours in a row - especially at the holidays when the pressure is on for everything to be perfect - can drive you crazy. Fortunately, there are some Christmas songs out there that also express the other side of Christmas: the irritation, the hate, the greed, the alcoholism, etc. That's just me. Fair and balanced. Both sides of the issue.

From the bottom of my heart, Merry Christmas, Douchebags!!!

Happy Holidays, You Bastard
by Blink-182



Things I Want
Tenacious D and Sum 41



Merry Christmas (I Don't Wanna Fight Tonight)
The Ramones

<

Ho, Ho, Fucking Ho!
Monty Python




Suck On My Cock
Unknown

Okay, not really about Christmas, but this one will change the way you listen to this Christmas classic for the rest of your life.

Jizz in My Pants

I have to admit the SNL videos I have seen lately have been very funny. This is the funniest one I have seen though. Seriously check it out.

Totally and Completely, Badass!

As you can probably tell by my recent posts my mind just isnt working so I am basically just post links and titty pictures. Fuck you deal with it. Anyways here are two trailers for movies that are coming out that look pretty fucking cool. The new Terminator from the trailer appears to be a cross between batman begins and transformers so it will probably suck, but I am holding out hope because I was a big fan or the first two movies. The other trailer of the Wrestler looks really good. I have been a big Aronofsky (butchered the spelling) fan since he directed Requiem and Pi and although i though the Fountain sucked a giant horsecock, sign me up for a movie that includes him directing the underrated Mickey Rourke. Not too mention Marissa Tomei shows her tits once again, reason enough to go to th This movie is actually getting some Oscar buzz.

Humpday: Adriana Lima (NSFW)

I know I have posted her before, but these pics are really hot. If I wasnt so worried about getting beat up by all those MMA clowns, I would seriously move to Brazil.

Free Free

Alright, so, I don't wanna be the guy who only posts freestyles, but whatever, they bring me an abundance of joy so DEAL WITH IT.

In any case, this is one of the most interesting freestyles you'll ever see. I didn't think that a freestyle session could get any more random than the ones I usually have with C$ and Ted, but this one takes the cake. Although See-Wee's scat-rap and Teddy's space-box is something to behold, this clip stands alone. But what's so great about this is that it teeter-totters on brilliance. Anybody can act this insane, but I challenge any given words-smith to knock one this far simultaneously. They say that the most brilliant minds are held by crazies. I believe Sage lies here.

It takes some time to develop but I'm sure it'll leave you with a big smile on your ugly mug. Slater.

Bowl Pick em

I am running a bowl pick em similar to the bracket I did for March madness. The only difference is this is going to cost $10 a person and I will be paying out 1st, 2nd, 3rd. If you are interested follow the link below.

http://football.fantasysports.yahoo.com/bowl/register/joinprivategroup_assign_team?GID=27200&P=dealwithit

Checking in

YO wut up my bliggers, C-Weed in this mah fucka! Just pooping in to say wut up. I haven't posted in a minute so here she goes. It has been a pretty crazy last few weeks, from hospital visits to not seeing any deer to me becoming an uncle again 4-pete(!) to frigid temps and me revisiting my hatred for Wisconsin.

Well, My pops went into the hospital for a few related illnesses. Got pretty hectic there for a grip, but If I have learned anything in my 27 years is that my dad is a fighter. He did amazing in a string of things going wrong one after another. I will say I dont know if I could of saw past the constant shit storm of news that he heard every day and kept on keeping on. The doctors always had good news followed by something new they found that was wrong . He was disgruntled but got threw it like a wildebeest shaking a croc. He is home now and it is looking like it will be for extended stay, sausages crosses obviously!

So yeah I went deer hunting and didn't see a fucking thing. Actually I have been bow hunting since mid Oct. and haven't seen anything since then. So yeah 6 weeks and my eye balls haven't seen a thing, fuck you deer...yeah fuck you! Whatever I have a few more weekends in December to split your asshole wide open, trust me I am going to enjoy it more than I ever have. **blood curdling screech, rubs doe urine all over bare butt cheeks, whispers "you will be mine"**

On a lighter note. My sister of all my life recently had her fourth child, a baby girl! 19" 7.7 el bee's, Ruby Anne. Love the name by the way, something about it tells me she is going to be a whipper snapper just like her other 3 kids. I tell you what, I couldnt ask for cooler nieces and nephews,(2 boys, 2 girls) I am really blessed. I cherish the times I get to spend with them. They always make it memorable that is for sheezay baleezmay.

And last but not fucking least. If I didn't work for a company who makes millions off of frosty precipitation than I would really, really hate snow! Don't tell my boss but I really do. Fuck it, I am going to tell him right now, on my blog-I know he doesn't read. I HATE WINTER!!!!!. Things about winter I fucking despise:
-shoveling
-having to wake up early to un-thaw my truck
-driving in frozen diarrhea
-frigid temps
-going home from work in the dark, If I find the dick face who thought day light savings was a good idea. I am going to recreate the movie hostel on his bitch ass.
-giant coats, gloves, and hats...oh and scarves on dudes. How bout you just wear a giant rainbow flag tucked into your underwear. We all know where the end of that rainbow ends, your prostate...fag!
Wait there are a few things I do like:
Badger basketball...and getting drunk. Thats it, fuck winter! I don't know how better else to put it.
I will be in the kitchen mixing up a tall boy if you need me, god damn it!

Am I Getting Soft?

I know what you are thinking, Tasty, you have always been soft. A cross between the Michelin man and State Puff, but I did something today that makes the old Browne seem hard in comparison. This morning I was offered Badger tickets for Saturdays game. This is not an ordinary game, they play against there arch rivals, the Golden Eagles of Marquette. You have to understand I cannot stand Marquette, I know it is only because I am a Badger fan, but it also stems to a lot of people that i have met that went to Marquette feeling like they are better than the lovable cross town losers who graduated from lowly UW-M. That being Milwaukee and not Madison, for you out of towners. There is nothing I enjoy more than watching my beloved Badgers beat the Eagles. However I will not be attending the game this year. My girlfriend and I had made some plans to attend a Holiday party on Saturday and although she said I could go to the game, I politely declined the tickets and decided I will live up to my word and go to the party with her.

Now for most of you are probably thinking big fucking deal, that is hardly post worthy. Well maybe you are right, but to me this is a pretty big deal, because I often do not put anybody or anything ahead of doing that which makes me happy, and I consider it one of my biggest character flaws. I just love having fun, and some times I realize that comes between myself and some of the people closest to me. Going to the game on Saturday would have made me extremely happy, but I just could not back out of my plans with the girl friend. Call me a fag, call me a pussy, but I am actually pretty damn happy just hanging with her. Lets just say I could not see myself making the same decision last year at this time. (By the way the Marquette vs Badger game last year was probably one of the top five days I had all of last year, Timmmaaay I am sure would second that). I guess the point of this story is sometimes you have to give up what is special to you in order to show how special someone is to you. It took me a long time to realize that, and if the Badger game is a great one I probably will wish it took me longer to realize. Still, I at least will be with someone that means more to me than a Badger game, and with me that is saying something.

Little known films worth seeing...

Perhaps it's because I'm old, fat and lazy, but there are few things in life that I enjoy more on a cold winter night than sitting by the fire with my wife, having several bottles of wine and watching a good film on the old 57-incher. Since it is snowing today, I thought I'd toss out a few films that I enjoyed and which I have found that pretty much nobody else I know has seen. You know, that horrible conversation where you say, "Have you seen ___?," they say "no," and then you awkwardly say, "well, you should because it kicks fucking ass," while they sort of stare at you suspiciously. I have that conversation several times a day. Hopefully, you'll catch me on a day in which I DO NOT try to relate the entire film to you verbally. Beef up your Netflix queue with these little gems and you'll be well-prepared for a nice snowstorm or two.

Hurlyburly (1998)

This was a David Rabe play before he converted to a film, which means it has something that a lot of films lack - quality dialogue. It was an independent film with a small distribution but a monster cast. Sean Penn, Kevin Spacey, Robin Wright Penn, Meg Ryan, Chazz Palmintieri, Garry Shandling and Anna Paquin are in the film.

Essentially, it is about the intersecting lives and absurd behavior of a group of Hollywood industry players who believe they are friends, but really seem more like loose, dependent associates who don't really believe in anything meaningful. They argue over minor details and feigned emotions in a manner unique to bored, unhappy people on a late night cocaine binge.

After seeing the film, I can only imagine what it would have been like to see the original stage production in Chicago in 1984 with Harvey Keitel, Christopher Walken, William Hurt, Sigourney Weaver and Jerry Stiller - a production that ultimately made it to Broadway.

Unfortunately, American audiences are so busy lining up for films with explosions in them that the only clips on Youtube are with foreign language overdubs. However, the orginal trailer may be viewed here.


In The Company of Men (1997)

Written and directed by Neil LaBute, this is a sordid tale of two business executive types (one of which is Aaron Eckhart in an early role) who have an ax to grind with women. Women are encroaching on their workplaces, taking positions of power, treating them like tools, filing complaints over off-color jokes and still expecting men to pick up the check and then hold the door for them on the way out. One of the men is freshly hurt by a lover who spurned him. The other (Eckhart) is simply a shameless bastard who uses women for his own purposes but simply and truly loathes them. For shits and giggles, the two formulate a plan to combine forces on an extended business trip to identify an innocent, unsuspecting woman who is not used to receiving attention from men, shower her with attention and pursuit and then pull the rug out from under her. The purpose? To hurt a woman in retaliation for all of the horrible things that they perceive women have done.

The sheer depravity is disturbing. If this film doesn't turn your stomach a little bit, you are the same type of asshole depicted in the film. I don't recommend watching it with your wife, girlfriend, mother or any woman you give a shit about. You may laugh out loud at the wrong time, if you know what I mean.




Drowning Mona (2000)

This is a very funny film and my wife and I are the only people I know who have seen it. It is directed by Nick Gomez, a director now most known for work on film-quality series, as he has directed episodes of acclaimed series including The Sopranos, Dexter, True Blood, Oz and The Shield.

Another amazing cast for a film of which few people have heard - Danny DeVito, Bette Midler, Jamie Lee Curtis, Neve Campbell, Casey Affleck, and even Will Ferrell with a small but inspired portrayal of the local funeral home director.

In terms of comedic formula, kind of the classic, contorted plot line set up by an absurd premise from which zany antics ensue. Sounds like a movie I would hate ordinarily, but I begrudgingly found it to be very funny. Mona Dearly (Bette Midler) dies under suspicious circumstances in the opening scene and, as the film moves forward, we find that virtually everyone she knows is a potential suspect in foul play, primarily because Mona Dearly is a terrible person that makes life difficult for everyone. Danny DeVito, the investigating police chief, is basically the straight-man in a small town full of bizarre and eccentric locals. It shouldn't work out to be anything special, but it does. The performances are great, the dialogue is very funny and smart even when it is stupid, and the black humor that pervades the town regarding this horrible woman's death builds in each successive scene. Marcus Thomas, whom I have never seen in any other role, is absolutely hilarious as Mona's idiotic, asshole son.

It's not going to win any Oscars, but it's worth 90 minutes of your time and it's easily as funny as the shit that is passing as the funniest thing ever these days, such as Steve Carell shouting "Kelly Clarkson" when having his chest waxed.



The Big Kahuna (1999)

This talk about Danny DeVito and Kevin Spacey brings me to this mountain of incredible dialogue. Again, a play converted to film. The entire film takes place inside a hotel suite at a convention for the industrial lubricant industry. (No, you sick bastards, not 5-gallon buckets of KY Jelly, but oils and greases for manufacturing equipment and conveyors.) There are three characters: two burnt out salesmen played by Danny DeVito (the calm reserved one) and Kevin Spacey (the sarcastic, bitter one) and their young, not-yet-corrupted and annoyingly bright-eyed marketing rookie. Obviously, given the limited scene and small number of characters, the focus is on the dialogue and the relationships and moral divides between these characters as they obsess, argue and suffer over their desire to land an important potential business client who can make or break their company - the sole reason they have attended this convention.

The story is essentially a tragedy with comedic moments - sort of like your life itself. Not a tragedy caused by the special effects of a natural disaster or a violent, multi-state killing spree. Rather, it is a tragedy ebmodied in the small spiritual deaths of everyday life. The loss of one's hopefulness, moral grounding, faith and trust as the realities of modern life grind away.

Again, if you judge a film by the number of exploding cars or Aerosmith power-ballad theme songs, this one sucks. If you're looking for a film that may inspire you to become a screenwriter, queue up this tour de force of the craft of dialogue and character study.

Just a little taste of Roger Reuff's brilliant words:



If anybody has a really good film that I haven't heard of, lay it on me.

Humpday GIF

I usually have a little story about the girl I post for humpday, not today. Today, just enjoy!

Would You Kiss Your Motha With That Filthy Mouth?

Here is a link to a survey done by the Sex Health Guru regarding whether or not you would kiss someone after they performed oral sex with you. Kind of suprisingly 91% of people surveyed said they would. I stand somewhere in the middle regarding this topic. I mean I really dont care to taste my own semen (I mean unless it involved me being able to fellate myself) so I wouldnt open mouth kiss a girl after I finished unless she had swallowed. Then fuck it, If a girl is kind enough to go down on me I will do whatever the fuck she wants. I do draw a line though and say I will only do this with a girl friend. I mean there have been a few girls that I have hooked up with (i.e. force fed the four inch) that I wouldnt kiss period, none the less after they got done shallow throating. I guess I am hoping to get some of our readers thoughts on where they stand on this issue? Check out the link to the site has some pretty cool stuff on it.

Link

Blizzard Man is Back

Much like the video last week about Giraffes, SNL has remade another skit and it does not come close to the original. Though I will say it is still much better than the Giraffe video.

Opening Weekend of Deer Hunting is Upon Us

I know if you are not from Wisconsin then this does not matter to you. Hell I am born and raised in a small town in Wisconsin and to tell you the truth I could give two shits about hunting, but it is a tradition I will again be taking part of this year. See my father is a lover of all things out doors. He can spend hours in his garden, or out in the woods looking for mushrooms, or on a lake slaying fish. I could not be more different then my father. I hate mother nature, and the only thing I really like to do outside that cant be done inside is bathe the whale (really big stomach) in the sun. The last two years I did not go hunting or fishing and did not really miss it that much. However I did miss one thing, and that is spending quality time with my father when he is truly happy. I see my father every day and we get along great, but we see each other at work, and that is not quality bonding. The other times I see my father is when we are working on my house and he is providing the help I could never afford or do on myself which is truly wonderful. I am the luckiest kid in the world, with the best father in the worl. Again however this is work and it just cannot compare to cracking a beer with your dad after a day on the boat, telling stories of the fight the one that got away put up. Or the smell of blood on your hands as you just gutted your first deer, and see the big smile on your fathers face, as you gag from that god awful smell. I never realized how special those moments were until I quit going the last two years. My dad has asked me a few times if I wanted to go again, and I said probably not, but I suprised him and myself by buying a tag for this weekend. Now I could care less if I shoot the biggest buck in the state of Wisconsin, that really does not matter to me at all. However getting back in the woods with my dad, sucking down a half case of high lifes, telling stories of the bullets whizzing by my head, or how I woke up and to gun fire but it was too late as the deer had already ran past me, will be well worth the $25 it cost me to buy the license. So I will finish this up by saying take a look at some of the things you used to do as a family and ask yourself why you don't do them anymore. I gurantee that even though they did not seem that fulfilling at the time, every second you spend with those closest to you will be worth it and then some when you no longer are able to do those things or when those people are no longer around to share those memories with.

Three fat lawyers, heretofore, henceforth and wherefore.

So, as it turns out, I've spent the past 15 years or so getting fat. It was really my junior year of high school where I lost my washboard abs. I decided to quit basketball and track to focus on lifting for my senior year of football. I didn't work nearly as hard as I imagined. I got stronger, but I also got softer in the middle. I went from about 170 to closer to 190.

During college, I went from 190 to 210. That was just plain chubby. Since then, I've had a few runs back under 200, but for the most part I've been adding a couple of pounds every year for the past 10 years or so. I went past chubby and portly at a full sprint and the officials don't need a time out for a measurement to know that I've passed the fat marker. I'm fat. Yeah, I said it. I'm not going to complain about my metabolism. Claim some thyroid problem. Bitch about my sedentary job. I earned this disgustingness the hard way. Too many double and triple servings of fatty, calorie loaded foods. Too many weekends with an extra 5,000 calories in booze. Too much time sitting on my ass and not enough time moving. Pretty simple really.

Unfortunately, I'm not alone in my morbid obesity. A couple of fellow fat-assed lawyers from my class and I have decided to enter into a bit of a weight loss contest. We weigh in on Monday, and the final weigh-out is March 6. The requirement is to lose 10% of my body weight during that time, or pay cash to those other fat cats. If we all meet the goal, everybody keeps their money. Fuck it, if I lose at least one of my chins, I'm all for it.

So, I have to weigh in on Monday and figure out the damage. I have a pretty good guess where I am, but I'm not 100% sure. (For you gamblers, I'd set the over-under at about 238.) Because humiliation is motivating, I will share short updates about my progress or lack thereof. If you can't manage to be supportive and encouraging, at least hurl insults at me to humiliate me into continuing.

I'll be back sometime on Monday with the most embarrassing number imaginable.

For all you skinny fuckers out there, go fuck yourself.

Check This Out x2

#1 Check This Out

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,377421,00.html

It's an article about a new Beer Pong game for the Wii. I guess people are all up in arms about it because it only got a "T" rating and it encourages drinking. Well, duh. And the article itself is pretty funny and entertaining.

Things I noted while reading this article (possible spoiler, but whatever, read the article first then):

- The game is entitled, "Frat Party Games: Beer Pong." You won't ever find me at a frat party playing beer pong. Or at a frat party. Maybe at a phat party. Boom!!

- Check out the YouTube video link. Do you see any "T" for Teens? I didn't, but I did see a lot of "T" for Tools and one "O" for Old Outta Place Guy.

- The Vice President for JV Games, the developer of "Beer Pong," is named Jag Jaeger. Ironically awesome.

- I can win $50,000 playing beer pong. Partner anyone?

- The ratings board president said, "three 'specially trained, adult raters' with no ties to the industry reviewed the game and recommended the "T" rating." Video game raters not tied to the video game industry?! Not the first oxymoronic comment I've heard a president make.

- I learned I could make it through a FOX News article without scratching out my eyes.

#2 Check This Out

http://www.madtownmunchies.com/

Strictly for all you Madisonian's comes the greatest delivery service yet. Go to the website, order online, and a bike delivery person will show up with your goodies in 30 minutes or less! Order everything from frozen pizzas and ice cream to condiments and cigs. And they're open late; til 4 am on the weekends. You can even rent DVDs. And get this...when you're done watching the DVD you just throw it away! Apparently, the DVDs are encrypted with this special film so after you open the package they can be played for only two days. After that time the film gets all skibbidy-jibbidied and won't play anymore. So, you just throw it away (actually, they suggest you recycle). Crazy Ish!

Anyways, if you're in the downtown area, hit 'em up. I know from experience they're 2 legit 2 quit.

5 thousand!

Humpday: Brooklyn Decker

I guess Andy Roddick is tagging this...fuck him. Thank you big Irv for turning me onto Brooklyn, she is definately a Big Tasty favorite.

Vomit weekend - old man style.

In contrast to Big Tasty's hard-earned pathetic aura on the weekend, I had my own nice little Saturday. I got up early, did a few chores around the house, played with the lad and then met my friend Brian at the park and ride at 10:30 and headed off to Madison. We met Mike and Mary Ann at Dotty Dumpling's for lunch and a few beers. Went to the Regent St. Retreat to have a quick beer with my homey Kreecher. Then, on to Camp Randall to watch the Badgers defeat the Goophers for the Axe in shocking fashion. A couple of cocktails and a nice meal at Paisan's and we're back on the road home.

I get home about 10:30, and my wife and my parents are watching a movie. I lay down to watch the end of it, and suddenly I'm shivering and feeling pretty shittay. I mumble something about not feeling good and stumble up to bed. Fast forward to 1 o'clock in the morning. I can feel a frantic knocking at my back door so I run to the toilet. No sooner do I sit down and ass-piss a gallon of bad coffee than I realize I am about to blow chunks. (No, Chunks is not the name of a dog.) So I do an all-star first baseman stretch to scoop up the wastebasket and then I unload a 9" Paisan's pizza, well chewed and poorly digested, into the bucket.

Now, I'm thoroughly dazed and dizzy. I decide there is no way I'm cleaning this wastebasket. It was half full of tissues and toilet paper roll tubes before I doused it in vomitus italiana. It's not like it could just be dumped in the toilet and washed. No, this would require some real effort. Fuck it, we'll get a new one. I wrap the wastebasket in several plastic grocery bags and then a garbage bag. It's still in the garage. Trash day Friday can't come soon enough.

Sunday morning, of course, I'm expecting about 15 guests for the big Bears-Packers party. I leave it up to my wife and my mom - we can either call everyone and cancel or you guys are stuck doing everything. They chose to do everything. So, I sat up in my room all day, trying to sleep and occasionally pissing out of my ass, while my entire family was downstairs drinking my beer, eating the food I prepared and celebrating a big Packer stomping of the Bears.

Long story cut short, I made it back to work yesterday and was finally able to eat an actual meal last night.

So, there you have it. Old guys have vomit-filled weekends, too.

So Let Me Get This Straight. You Are A Complete Loser and You are All Covered in Vomit, Have I Covered All the Pertinent Facts?

Well first and fore most as you probably have already noticed the blog is undergoing some changes. C$$$$ and I were really letting this blog slip, mainly because we are busy, or maybe just the fact that we have used all of our creatize ideas for posts so we are left grasping for any link that may get a chuckle. I am glad to have my cousin TK who has been a long time poster on this blog anyways. He is basically the smartest guy I know, and his posts should be easily distinguishable from those of mine and C$$$s. He is a new father and I think it will be fun for all of us to follow the trials and tribulations of a first time daddy. Our other new contribuitor, is Aaron Kempf, a life long friend of C$$$ and a friend of mine for about 10 years now I think. Kempf is always sending us new music, movie and video links, and as I will say has his ears a little bit closer to the street than I do. I always love listening to the ISH he sends me, and look forward to his contributions.

Now you are probably wondering about the title to this post and I am going to get to that. I have been hearing a lot of shit. Like Browne whats up why havent you told any really crazy stories about you drinking to much and tales and follies that ensue. Well to be honest with you I am in a relationship, and am trying to slowly turn the chapter on the getting completely shitfaced and doing something stupid stage of my life. Still dont think that I have completely changed my ways, I just chose to keep some things a little closer to the vest. Why, I am not really sure. I dont think my girl friend reads this at all. I just think I am not quite as fun as i once was. At any rate I do have a funny story to share.

This weekend was one I was looking forward to for a while as my Dad and I had been working on the house every weekend for the past month or so and this weekend he was going bow hunting so I didnt have any responsibilities to worry about. Usually that means I start drinking about five and dont get done until I am passed out on some strange couch. My brother was home from school and my dad did a big fish fry for him. I went to my parents house and started drinking beer and wine with my mom and dad. When i left around 8 or so I was feeling pretty good. I went to a couple of old friends from Marshall's house and had a few more beers while we reminisced and I admired there baby, before heading down to the bar. The bar was pretty lame, but it didnt stop me from drinking pretty hard. We decided to go on a little tour and went to waterloo but that was even more lame than Marshall so we came back. At this point it is about 12 and I am just a mess. I mean i feel invincible at this point and I just want to turn it up a notch. My friend Jake decided to take us back because he had to work in the morning so we got back to SP and decided to go down to the BA for a little night cap. Now i had only spent $25 during the time I spent in Marshall and Waterloo. Which was roughly about 4 hours. During the hour and half I was at the Bowling Alley I spent damn near $75 all of which were on shots or double whisky waters. Yes my decision making was pour. We pounded shot after shot while I was crushing the high score I set last week in my favorite trivia game. Before I knew it was time to go home. I got home and I was crashing hard. I basically laid on the couch and was out within 5 minutes. I woke up around 6 am and I wasnt feeling to hot. I grabbed the water bottle on the table and slammed. As soon as I set the water down I knew that was a mistake and felt my stomach turn. I knew what was about to happen was not good and I got up and started to run to the bathroom. I got right in front of the door to go outside, and I lost it. I put up my hands as some sort of puke catcher but that only sprayed my vomit on the door and sidewalls not to mention funnel it down right below me. I was still basically running towards the bathroom. What really sucked was because I puked on my synthetic floors they became super slippery. While I was running my legs both shot out from under me and I slammed on my back. Mind you I have two handfuls of puke in my hand which basically get thrown right back in my own face. So there I lay, on my back, covered from head to toe in puke. In my mind it cant get any worse, I really want to start crying because I feel like absolute shit, all i can smell is a terrible comination of wine, whisky, and dad's homemade cole slaw. I pick myself of the deck and make it the bathroom where I punish the toilet for a few minutes before stripping down and hopping in the shower. Now the ruckess of the fall must have woken up my roommate. He hit it hard with me the night before and needed to get a glass of water. What he didnt realized is the hall to the kitchen had just been vomitted, well he doing his near best Browne impersonation also slipped in the puke pile. Although he didnt, go down. He realized what he was standing in and immediately headed for the bathroom where he kicks open the door and sees me in the shower. Mind you it is 6 am and we are both completely hammered. We have this really smart conversation about me being sick and puking and he just laughs at my stupidity. For the next hour and half I am cleaning up puke and washing my clothes, before passing out until 1 pm. When I awoke again I wasnt sure if that had really happened but aaron quickly reminded me of what went down. Now I am a pretty notorius puker but i had gone at least 6 months with out puking before this weekend. What a way to get back on the horse. Anyways Saturday and Sunday I pretty much took it easy because i was hurting from Friday night. I cant do it like I used to and when I try I pay. Well I paid in the worse way Saturday morning.

Ish Droppings

I've been honored to be asked by Tasty and See-No to contribute to this most extraordinary blog, so what better way to celebrate my first post than with some most extraordinary Ishy freestyles. This here is Minneapolis natives Eyedea and Slug on the Sway & Tech Wake Up Show in 2002, I believe.

In my opinion, freestyling has become somewhat of a lost art. It can tell you a lot about an MC and how they think and approach hip-hop. Clearly, these two know how to have fun with it. And no doubt Eyedea is the best that ever did it. Just take a peek inside his trophy case sometime.

Check out the reactions on the faces of Sway & Tech throughout the session. And keep and ear out for Eyedea to drop some Ish bombs.

Well, I'll keep it short because the videos pretty much rhyme for themselves. Slater.

Jordan Blows

Below is a video my buddy Mark sent me and it is a little one-on-one with some CEO (who mark apparently knows) and the supposedly greatest of all time Mike Jordan. Anyways this CEO dominates Jordan and finishes him off with a sweet lefty lay in. This furthers my point that Kobe is the greatest basketball player of all time.



In all seriousness though, this camp probably costs $5000 grand a person for a couple of days away from the wife sweating with a bunch of old rich dudes, but the story this guy has to tell his kids must make it all worth it.

Damn I Wish I Could Grow Facial Hair

Here is a list to the top 20 manliest mustache and beards in Facial Hair history. All I can say are all these are awesome and I hate the fact that I can not grow facial hair for the life of me. What I never understood is I have a cod damn amazon rain forest below my belly button, and my chest hair is coming in quite nicely I might add, but nothing on this baby face. Life is just unfair.

Link

Fly Free, Lesbian Seagull...

That's right. Daddy's on the loose tomorrow. Mommy decided she'd rather stay home with the lad than freeze her ass off at Camp Randall while hoping a bunch of douchey Goophers don't seize The Axe. So, as John McCain would say, "my friends," I am off the leash.

What's lamer than a housebroken lapdog at home? You guessed, a housebroken lapdog pretending to run free like a ghetto pit bull. Sure, I'll be drinking before noon on Saturday. Sure, I'll be 75 miles from the wife and kid. Sure, I'll irritate the people who sit near me at the game with my profanity-laced, nonsensical tirades in don't-just-say-it-spray-it fashion. I will probably even join in with some kids in doing a nice, loud ASSHOLE chant at some d-bag Goopher fans on Breese Terrace. I might even wander over to Paisan's after the game and stuff my still half-drunk face with large portions of fatty foods before heading home.

That being said, as a lapdog, you have to pay the price for this debauchery - both before and after the freedom sprint. That's how it works. When you're single with no kids, you just do what you want to do. When you've committed yourself to a family, you have to do what you have to do when you have to do it in order to have any chance of doing something you want to do when you want to do that. Don't get me wrong, all of the things I do with my family are things I want to do. Still, it seems that when what you want to do doesn't exactly jibe with the family, you're going to get a reaction like you just shot Marvin in the face.

Long story longer, we're having about 20 family members (and other hangers-on) over on Sunday for a Bears-Packers party. Thanks to Uncle Al being at his seaside home in Baja California, Mexico, and the recent conversion of my cocksmoking cousin Big Tasty to the Packers camp, my infant son and I will be the only Bears fans in attendance.

What does this have to do with my plans for Saturday in Madison? Everything. In order to receive a pass to leave the house on Saturday, I must make preparations for the party in advance. Thus, I purchased my 8 lb. pork shoulder roast Wednesday. Last night, I went shopping for all of my other ingredients, beer and Bloody Mary supplies. After making dinner for my wife, I slapped my meat around. Not the way you single guys slap your meat on the couch while watching scramble porn. I'm talking about applying a dry rub to the pork shoulder. Today, the wife will throw it in the oven for me at noon so I can shred the pork this evening, concoct a tomato-vinegar sopping sauce, and then spend another hour preparing about 3 lbs. of macaroni and cheese with a nice panko breadcrumb crusty layer on top.

Saturday morning, since I plan on leaving the house by 10:30 to be drinking before noon, I will have to be up very early. I know you guys, when wanting to leave the house by 10:30, tend to get up at 10:45, smoke a cigarette and then wait for your ride to arrive, jump in the car and squeal out of the driveway with your roommate's loaded hashpipe in your pocket, leaving your roommate standing on the front porch looking really pissed off. Out the door cleanly. In contrast, I will probably need to get my son up and changed, get him into his swing, then vacuum the entire lower level,

Then, after I return Saturday night, I will have to take a little bit of gentle abuse over how long I was gone, why I shouldn't have had so much to drink, and all of the shit I have to do before the party pigs start showing up at 11 a.m. Sunday. So, Sunday morning, I will be up early for more cleaning, making up my Asian coleslaw salad, putting the beer on ice in coolers, getting my BBQ meatballs appetizer cranking, moving furniture around, setting up an extra tv. in the living room for overflow crowd to watch the game, etc.

So, you don't give up all of your freedom when you get married and have a kid, but you do have to earn it each and every time. Still, when I come in the door after work tonight, my wife will be standing in the kitchen holding our son. She'll give me a kiss and my son will flash a huge, goofy smile and I will think for a minute that maybe - just maybe - my heart isn't 100% into leaving home on my day off.

Deal with it.

Giraffes Blow, Sloths Kick Ass

SNL has made a sequel to the best video of all time and to nobodies suprise it sucked. This dissapoints me. I have linked both videos. Tell me which one you like more.

Top 10 Movie Rants

I know I have posted a few of my favorite movies scenes on here before but I saw this list and it inspired me to do my own top 10 list of best movie rants. Some of the ones on the list are really good and I have included them. All of these scenes are worth a look.

Top 10 Movie Rants

#10 "About Being Scottish" Trainspotting


#9 "Fuck You Pay Me!" Goodfellas


#8 "You Are Just a Kid" Good Will Hunting


#7 "Dicks, Pussies, and Assholes" Team America World Police


#6 "Sell Bubblegum in the Lock Jaw Ward of Belleview" Boiler Room


#5 "Jimmy Situation" Pulp Fiction


#4 "Goodnight Sweet Prince" Big Lebowski
Link

#3 "You Like Phil Collins?" American Pyscho


#2 "The Watch" Pulp Fiction


#1 "Where Do Sicilians Come From?" True Romance


I know I missed a ton. If you have some great rants please send me the link or quote it direct.

My son threw up in my ear...

So, as the title will notify the reader, I'm bringing a little different perspective to the blog. C-Weed and Big Tasty are just starting on their journeys from wild animal to lapdog. I am much further along. Yip! Yip!

Like most of you, I have probably vomited from drinking too much about 300 times, but none of those 300 happened in the past 3 years. I have only "been with" one woman in the past nine years or so. I have a career, a wife, a house, a mortgage, an SUV and a really awesome little boy, who will be 3 months old this week.

The vomit in my life these days does not reek of whiskey and chicken wings, nor does it splatter on the sidewalk by the dumpster. No, all of the vomit in my new life comes from my son, it smells like sour milk and it lands on my shirt, on his clothes, on the couch, etc.

The other night, I was lying on the couch on my back watching True Blood. My son was sitting on my chest and smiling away. I raised him up over my head, or performed a "baby press" as I call it. I turned my head to my left to look at the television and the little guy chirped right into my ear. I do not mean on the side of my head. I do not mean a little fell on my big Alfred E. Nueman ear flap. I mean that vomit flowed into my ear canal and it sounded like I was in the shower. Let's just say it required half a package of Q-Tips and a shower.

So, that is a small part of that to which you may look forward. Still, who could be mad at this little guy? I'm sure he didn't mean it.

I Am A Sore Loser, Deal With It!

Found this over at Al's blog. I guess he and I share some beliefs.


Obama Win Causes Obsessive Supporters To Realize How Empty Their Lives Are

Dear Santa

Well I usually dont start talking about what I want for xmas until at least thanksgiving but my girl friend has been bugging me about it. I am about as spoiled as a person can get and I usually get whatever I want. Ask C$$$ about the xmas I got damn near every single GI Joe and he got one. Didnt stop him from coming over and completely dominate me like he did every time we played GI Joe, but that was because of the simple fact that he could kick my ass. That is another story all together. Well this year I was having trouble coming up with anything that I need or want until my buddy dues sent me this link. Below you will see a chimp riding a segway. It dawned on me that there are two things I need, a chimp, as an ultimate companion, someone who I will help me play endless practical jokes with and possible replace my current roommate who believe me is as worthless as a chimp. The second thing would be a segway, mans greatest invention, eliminating the need to walk. Now I know you are telling yourself Browne, you are already the most lazy person I know. Is a segway really something you need. To that I answer, ummm I would excercise more if I didnt have to burn all that energy driving those 5 blocks to the gym. Answer=segway!!! Quick question to any law enforcement readers, is it possible to get a DUI on a segway because if it is not it basically pays for itself. Anyways Santa if you are listening, hook a brother up!

OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA

So I called Barack after he was voted the mutha fucking President of the United States of America to congratulate him on the victory. I went right to voicemail, he is crazy like that. I will let you know when he hits me back. He is probably, as all you know hit'n the skinz right now! Either way, wether you like it or not you just witnessed one of the biggest chunks of history ever. This is big babbbbbyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**this is a non partisanship blog,**

Happy Halloween!

The only reason to actually like Halloween is because it is an excuse to get shitfaced, and there is an outside chance a guy like me could bang a chick like the ones above. Other than it sucks. The first 15 year old kid without a costume that comes to my house asking for candy is going to get me following him home and letting the air out of his bike tires.

Rays Fan=Dumb Phillies Fan=Dick

Before you get comfortable...

I have to tell you something. Ladies, I am going to have to ask you to sit down. This isn't going to be easy, but I don't know how else to say this...ummm whewww this is tough a...lot..harder....than I thought it was going to be. How do I say this...its not you........its me. All the rumors are true, I proposed to my girlfriend. We have been together for about three and half years and well...gulp quite frankly you are all skanks and you annoy me. LOL just kidding you don't annoy me, I am just not allowed to talk to you anymore. Thats right bitches C-Weed is off the market, so sit on your hands and close your legs. Its starting to smell like tuna in here. Am I right guys, hahah...ha..ha huuuuuhhh. Who am I kidding I am no Freddy Prince Jr. But I do feel like a million bucks. I am set to marry the most important person in my life, If she actually lets me. I have to say this was probably one of the easiest decisions I have ever made. Callie is by far the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I am sure if you really know me you will agree. The hard part was trying to full fill what I thought was her perfect engagement. I had an idea of how I wanted to get engaged, but that it involved lots of sex and buffalo wings. Turns out not everyone is into that. Huh, I know right. I have had the ring for some time, but I was waiting for the right time and the right place. I think I was so worried about making it perfect that I couldnt even think of anything unique. Well I was getting pretty impatient and couldnt wait any longer. I decided Saturday morning while bow hunting that there is no reason to wait any longer. Today is the day, just do it already you pussy. Since Callie has been going to school and working nights we haven't had much personal time. Well she had the night off and was planning a supa good homemade Chinese dinner. So After dinner we settled in to some late night TV. I had to mix up all a tall boy to settle the nerves. I went to my incredibly secret hiding place and pulled out the ring and thats when it hit me. "Holly fuck I am really about to do this! Right now holly fuck!" So I pulled myself together walked up stairs into the living room and froze. I was freaking out, so I stood there watching some Americas Funniest Videos, laughing like a total awkward fag. It was pretty obvious I was up to something, luckily she normally blocks me out completely so she didn't notice anything out of the ordinary. So I grabbed my (nuts) nerves and asked her to put the computer down for a minute. I got on one knee began to shake like a little bitch and the rest is history.
We don't have a date at the moment. We decided to wait until she finishes school in May to hash out the details. I would imagine probably a year and a half to two years before we make er' official.
Soooo yeah lets hear all the lame wedding cliches in the comments, like
-well its your funeral
-your gay
-the old ball and chain
-little black book
-do you want to go to the strip club
...wait yes, yes I do.

This is Hardly News Worthy

However John Daly was arrested at a Hooters for being, yep you guessed it, highly intoxicated. Coppers what the hell do you expect this is John Daly we are talking about here. He is supposed to get really hammered and be the life of the party like every funny fat guy. John I feel for you buddy, you have a role in society, you play it quite well and they arrest your for it? Man cant catch a break. If it is any consolation you are in the list of top five people i would like to get hammered with.

1. Farley
2. Bo Ryan
3. John Daley
4. Ron Dayne
5. Any penthouse pet ever.

Please submit your drinking buddy list!

Funny Fail Videos

I have been getting my inbox bombarded with these forwards of pictures of people failing like this women on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire". This website takes it one step further with the top 10 fail videos this will chear you up if you are having a bad morning like I am.

Humpday: Ginger Spice

Gerri Halliwell used to be the sexiest spice girl until vicky b's stock skyrocketed after her marriage to David Beckham. It is amazing what banging a soccer star will do to your looks. Anyways Ginger has and always will hold a special place near my heart. Oh the things a 7th boy will wank too. Enjoy!

Photos from CamelTap