Dropping the Duece at Work

As our readers, all 3 of them, continue their transition period from college students to full-time employees, there is an important issue that must be resolved. When you're in college, you're usually never required to be in any one place for more than a couple of hours. Then, you move on. So, there are plenty of opportunities to retire to a secret lair to "leave a few things behind." You can even make it back to your home base most of the time and, even when you can't, you have time to get to a secluded spot.

When I was at UW-Madison in the mid-90's. I found a couple such save havens. The basement level bathrooms in Agriculture Hall were all but abandoned. You almost felt like Lewis & Clark discovering new territory, because the clean facilities were the only evidence of prior human presence. When the new business school (Grainger Hall) opened on the East end of campus, it became a prime destination. Luxury accommodations. I remember walking over there with a crew of 4 or 5 guys for the sole purpose of lining up in neighboring stalls and passing newspaper sections back and forth under the partitions. (Another change in the working world - group dumping is frowned upon.) Those new bathrooms were so beautiful and clean, I almost wanted to lie down on the floor next to the bowl and take a nap when I was done.

However, graduation comes. It's nice to get a job, finally have a little spending money, etc. However, one of the things you realize in those first couple of years is that your life is much more regimented. You're on a schedule. You have to be in an office or worksite and you have to be there all day. You eat at the same times each day, you go to sleep and get up at the same time each day and when this transition to working stiff is complete, you end up visiting the throne room at the same times each day. You have to. You don't get to decide. You can't push the appointment back an hour. You can't reschedule to the lunch hour on Tuesday. You have to take care of your business. Of course, this means dumping at work.

Dumping at work is a trick because you really don't want people to know you're doing it. You want to keep it on the down low. Hush-hush. On the QT. Also important, you don't want to know that other people are doing it. You don't want to smell it, you don't want to hear it, you want nothing to do with it. Yet, there's just one bathroom on your floor and so many potential users. What to do?

Fortunately, more experienced veterans have passed down guides for our enlightenment. The following playbook has been reproduced so many times in so many places that I have no idea to whom credit could be given. However, I do know that this should be mandatory posting in all workplace restrooms, much like the EEOC and minimum wages posters must be posted in every workplace, by law.

As for me, I have to excuse myself because it is 9:15 a.m., and if I don't get in there before 9:30, I'll be sitting on a pre-warmed seat, breathing the stench from the guy down the hall. Nobody likes that. Nobody.

Disregard at your own risk:

Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work
Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
ESCAPEE
Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine guns pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVEN
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when work taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

CRACK WHORE
Definition: A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Tell tale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and streaks. Avoid a CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN.