I don't understand what is going on in this country right now especially when it comes to America's taste in movies. The basic recipe in Hollywood is buy a Marvel comic book, and turn it into a movie. Wow that is genius. Now don't get me wrong, I enjoyed comics as a child, and I even enjoyed these films when they first started coming out, but come on. Does anyone want to do anything original anymore. With the success of films like Juno, There Will Be Blood, and No Country for Old Men, I thought this year we would start to more and more original movies. I guess I was wrong. What is even worse is because these films are successful the studios can land anyone they want to play the leads. See Christian Bale as Batman or Ed Norton as the new Hulk. These are some of my favorite actors in some of there worst roles. I usually go and see these movies as well, and end up disappointed. The last Super Hero movie I enjoyed was the first Spiderman, and that is because Willem Dafoe is bad ass! Still I go pay $8 and am disappointed, so I wanted to do a little ode, to the top 5 lamest super heroes. I am sure I will be breaking some of my readers hearts, but this madness needs to stop.
#5) Batman- Yes the caped crusader. Or is that Darkwing Duck. Anyways Batman is little more than Tim Allen from Tool Time with a mask. He possesses no super power except he is angry about the death of his parents and he vows to revenge them, by killing the scum of Gotham. Wait a minute we learned from the last movie that he also has the super power of being scared of nothing because he was able to like Bats again. How fucking stupid is that. Here is to the Joker whoopin Batman's Ass. Like one of my favorite songs (below)
#4) Superman- This reason Superman is lame isn't because his powers suck, his super powers are fucking awesome. However how about a little effort on the costume. Seriously, all Clark Kent does, is take off his glasses and a suit and underneath he has the little blue suit, which is made from full spandex. See here for what spandex can do to a man. Would it have been that hard to give him a mask? Are we that stupid that we cannot figure out who this guy is without his fucking glasses?
#3)The Punisher- I am pretty sure, when he lost his family to the evil drug lords that wear striped costumes. huh? He should of just turned to the bottle. Nope instead he decides to go buy a bunch of guns and seek revenge. At least he could have really good eye sight like the guy from shoot em up. Nope he is just a regular guy who knows how to use a gun. I wouldn't even call him a super hero, more like Orenthal James Simpson.
#2)Spiderman- I used to think Spiderman was the best Superhero, well maybe Magneto. However after Toby McGuire played him in the last three movies, my thoughts have completely changed. I wouldn't even want a little queer like that saving my life. That's right I would rather die than be saved by Toby McGuire.
#1)Captain Planet- Those who know me, know that I fucking cannot stand hippies, and this is what happens when a hippy gets super powers. I mean I kind of like that he is ultimately saving everyone by stopping people from destroying the earth. However do we really need to kill everyone that has ever threw the top of a 6 pack into the ocean. Stick to smoking weed hippie, leave the saving lives to real super heroes.
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4 comments:
well you had to know id come with something on this topic. first let me start by the things i agree with.
yes how the fuck iron man is doing well i have no idea, i useally dont go by previews but the movie just lokks like shit and you may disagree like many have but i am not a downey jr fan so that may be what has turned me off but none the less iron man is a gay super hero i have no desire to see that.
now i do agree that tobie is a lame actor but at the same time peter parker isnt exactly the straightest guy so as far as hollywood actors goes i think he is good for the role.
Now you know my beef with you is batman and bale. i dont think i can strees enough how perfect he is for that role, matt we have had many arguments and we both know how we feel and both wont buge, i just wish you would base this on how great the movie, bale and what a sweet super hero batman is and not on one gay two second dialog that you cant stand, get over it every great movie has cheesy lines which should not determine how good it is.
Now im not a huge superman fan either but the end of kill bill 2 has some good points on the superman/clark kent idea and makes a lot of sense.
this is draging on and boring i know but i cant wait till july 11 when you witness the best movie ever in dark knight and realize how great batman and bale are, so untill then
I don't agree with anything you said here, so deal with that. I haven't seen Ironman yet, and I probably wont because I haven't seen a movie in the theaters since No Country and that was a free pass. So unless one of our readers wants to pony up and get me some free movie passes, than I will continue to wait for one of my pals to burn it. Then I will burn it, then watch it, and disagree with everything harper heard from teddy.(only harps will get that totally awesome burn...boo-mutha-fuckin-yah) But Ironman looks totally fucking awesome. I am not really into super hero movies but this thing looks solid. I really like the contrast between recovering drug addict/duesch bag D-Jr. I think it totally makes sense since he is a gay I mean guy that you wouldn't put in a super hero film. he is the Clark Kent of actors. Plus he is actually a good actor that got a bad rap, with what his coke addiction, and got black balled(no pun intended) as the recovering, out of work fuck up. There is still hope for you Lohan i.e. I would still let you give me a rim job. I digress, Ironman will and is good so quite being a cynical fuck Browne. And Harps quite sucking up all the babes in SP, I think you single handedly raised the confidence of 67 geeks who in turn auditioned for the Kutch in his latest obnoxious sitcom entitled "boo yah to hoo ya" yah that gay.
Okay, I have to say something...it's been biting at me for days!!! You say that it's ridiculous that we're to believe that a pair of glasses disguises Superman's identity. I think that's a lame argument since we're to believe that Superman can fly and is a man of steel. If we're to believe an alien lives among the rest of the population and is a "super hero," then why can't we believe that glasses can disguise his true identity? Ya know what I'm sayin?
Either i missed badly in my post or you guys are just fucking idiots. OK I was trying to be cynical, and that is why I ripped on everyones precious super hero's. C$$$ I tend to agree that Iron Man actually looks like a solid film, however it shouldnt be one of the biggest box office hits of all time, and I can say that with confidence without even seeing the movie.
Harper, you are another beast all together. Your undies were soaked at the first teaser trailer of the new Batman. I dont think you believe C. Bale is the best Batman I think you just love everything about the Dark Knight. Christ I bet you had a batman pjs and a batman lunch pale. That shit is fine when you are a single loser living with you mother. However now you are a taken loser, living with your mother, and I just think it may be time to give it up. I dont want to tell you how to be a man, but i have seen enough chocs up in the B.A. lately to know that you are real close to losing your girl and falling into a deep depression. So either do what I would do and get her prego, or quit being such a fucking dork, and you may have a shot at making your new babe happy!
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