As you very well have noticed I haven’t posted since last week. Part of the reason for this is I have been very busy getting ready for my trip to Mexico. Another reason is I have been working like a CSI team member trying to put together all the events from last weekend into an epic post. Last weekend was one of the most fun weekends of the year to date and I know you guys are dying to hear why.
Well to start things off, do you remember the part in the movie Boogie Nights were Eddy figures out his porn name is going to be Dirk Diggler. Well I had one of those moments on Saturday, when I realized what my true calling in life is. In the movie he is sitting in the hot tub with the movie director, and he tells him this story about seeing a bright neon sign light up, and the sign is so hot that it just explodes, on that sign read Dirk Diggler. Well let me tell you about my similar moment.
I wasn’t thrilled about being in a bowling tournament just hours after I destroyed my liver at the Brother Ali concert. However two of my boys (Brad and Dustin) were counting on me and I filled the other two spots with C$$$ and Silver so I new that it would be fun. However I have never enjoyed bowling for fun, it just gets boring way to fast. Pick up bowl, roll it. Repeat. I mean don’t really know any thought process that goes into bowling except picking a funny name. My roommate Jake had gotten me this funny Halo 3 t-shirt and I decided what better attire for a bowling tournament. The tourney started at about 4 and we all figured we needed to have a good deal of aiming fluid in us before the first game, so we decided to get the whisky’s flowin around 1 o’clock. We got to the lanes around 3 and it we immediately started pounding. I think I had about 3 whisky’s just picking out the 25 songs I played in the juke box. Of which not one I was able to listen too. 4 oclock came around fast and we all picked our weapons. Mine was a green 12 lber with holes bigger than any girl I had ever been with and that is saying something. The semi truck backed up to unload the seeming less no end of bowling shit that C$$$ needed to participate in the tourney. He had like three bowling bags with three different balls, every single thing you could possible imagine. Including the funniest little booty that he wore on his plant foot so he wouldn’t get it wet when he wasn’t bowling. Yes he was taking this too damn seriously.
My friends chose my name for me when I was plugging the jukebox and the decided on my online gamer alias DrCreamJeans. What they did not know is that when I am DrCreamJeans I am no longer Matt Browne. It is like Clark Kent stepping foot into that phone booth. There is a transformation that takes place and it is something to be seen. The game was modified a bit. You only needed to knock down 9 on your first try to get a strike which for us beer leaguers was fucking perfect. I led things off with a monster strike and when I turned around to look at our fan section and teammates something weird happened. As they were cheering for the Dr on his way back to his whisky, with a cig hanging out the side of my mouth, I realized then and there that I had found my calling in this world, and that calling is that of a professional bowler. Mind you I hate bowling. However it is what is right about professional sports. Cockiness, arrogance, out of shape, are all staples of the pro bowler. Something that DrCreamJeans shares with them all. Our celebrations would have made T.O. jealous and as there beers and whiskys kept on getting thrown down the crazier it got on our lane. Let me illustrate some of these celebrations. They started out as simple fist pounds and high fives. They then moved onto the jump and bump made famous by basketball players during introductions. From there it just got creative. I may have been seen doing the throw the ball and put your hand up to your ear to hear for the strike, or I may have been seen doing the tommy gun shoot out the pins, and I when things really got crazy, I was bowling with my pants down giving my fans the best view of me. I mean talk about the proverbial shit show. There more crazy we got the bigger and louder our audience got. The funny thing is our team was bowling pretty damn well. I wasn’t but our team was. We finished 5th out of at least 25 teams that were entered. I know for a fact that we had the biggest following out of anyone at the tournament as the area behind us was packed with people.
A couple of Silver’s uncles had joined in on the cheering and I threatened to kick there ass if they didn’t by me a drink, just because they won the raffle. What did they do? They bought me two, out of respect. See I wasn’t Matt Browne, the loser blogger, who spends days and nights surfing the net, for new whack off material and funny message board posts. No I was DrCreamJeans man, myth, and legend. I felt like the guy on my shirt, Master Chief, For those of you who don’t know he is the lead character of the Halo series and one of the characteristics master chief has is regenerating armor. This is another characteristic of me that afternoon and evening. See I tried to put the hurting on myself. I basically tried to kill myself. I did this like any professional athlete would do and I pumped myself with performance enhancing drugs. In my case booze. Choice of booze? Canadian club whisky of course. By the time the third game was over I had to be at least a bottle deep and I wasn’t slowing down. Shots? You buy I will drink. I should have been dead but instead I bowled with reckless abandon. At one point during the raffle Marks uncle won a Dr. McGuillicuddy scrub (doctors scrubs, you know the ones they put on right before they shave your balls) and he thought it would be a great costume for me with the name and all. What he didn’t know was that no shirt could contain me on this glorious day. Before you know it a bare chested mad man was driving the house wild. Have you ever seen a bowler with a nipple ring? I didn’t think so. When the crowd started the Dr. clap clap CreamJeans chant, I knew what I had to do with the rest of my life, and just like when Eddy looked into that neon light and saw Dirk Diggler, I looked at my crazy drunk fans and saw DrCreamJeans.
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