The Rant: Toughest MuthaFucka Ever!

Before I get into this rant, I want to give a little background on what got me thinking about this topic. First of all I want to tell the world about my giant size man crush on Tim Tebow, if you don’t know who he is youtube him and prepare to be amazed. As the starting qb for the Gators, he has put himself in Heisman contention with his big arm, and punishing running ability. It is like watching Urlacher play QB! This guys is a stud, and although I don’t like Florida, Tebow and Urban Meyer, are starting to change my opinion on them. Well like I would do with any man crush, I was scouring the net for some great links, video, or just fun facts about him. I came to this link and it has all of these great sayings like “Superman wears Tim Tebow pajamas” and “Tim Tebow played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.” These are just like all of those Chuck Norris threads and t-shirts that were going around. Then today my friend, Mark, and I were discussing some of Steven Seagal’s best movie roles and how he can play a Native American and an Asian character though he doesn’t resemble either. That really got me thinking about all of these perceived badass characters, who have done the same role over and over, with a different script. You know guys like Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis, Van Damme, Norris, and so many others. I decided I would do a little tournament of who would win in a fight, based on some of these ridiculous characters that they have played. Call it a “First Ever Blog Tough Guy Championship” yes this tournament idea could take off much like the top tens.

I decided to limit this tournament to 8 men. I could of probably done 16 or 32 but a guy like Clive Owen, who has played a bad ass many times is really no match for a guy like Norris, Van Damme, or Dolph, so I just decided to keep it among the elite. I didn’t really have an unbias way to rank these guys so I just decided to make two brackets. Bracket one is called “Planet Hollywood” it consists of 4 seeds. From the highest seed to the lowest Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis, and Wesley Snipes. The other bracket is called “B-Movies Best” consists of Stevan Seagal, Jean Claude Van Damme, Chuck Norris, and Dolph Lundgren. Amazingly I only recall three movies where these characters played enemies of one another and that is the first Universal Soldiers movie Demolition Man, and of course Rocky IV. Another little sidenote Jacki Chan just missed this list, he was my ninth seed.

Round one Matchups

Planet Hollywood Bracket

Schwarzenegger (1) vs Snipes (4)

Arnold is best known for roles as the Terminator, but I am leaving out any movie in which you have living tissue surrounding a cyborg skeleton. Sorry, but I make the rules. This matchup looks good on paper you have a Snipes who is best known for his role as a half vampire, vampire killer (Blade), as well as a cryogenitically frozen criminal brought back in the future to kill Dennis Leary (Demolition Man). Against a man who single handedly saved mars (Total Recall), saved earth from satan (End of Days), and even taught a kindergarten class who cool ferrets are before catching his man. (Kindergarten Cop). Although this seems to be a tough test, Arnold somewhat easily breezes into the 2nd round. Even though Snipes shows some badass Martial Arts skill and sword play, it is no match for someone that has stared down satan, some how killed the devil, and uttered the words, “Go to Hell!” Winner Schwarzenegger.

Sly Stallone (2) vs Bruce Willis (3)

This is a great matchup. Stallone is best known for kicking the shit out of Apollo Creed, Clubber Lange, Ivan Drago, Tommy Gunn (Rocky’s) as well as throwing Jon Lithgow over a cliff (Cliffhanger) and knocking the fucking head of another one of our contestants Simon Phoenix. Demolition Man. Bruce Willis is no stranger in saving the day either. Most notably he saved the life and virginity of Jessica Alba twice (Sin City), took out the terrorist brothers in Hans and Simon Gruber (Die Hard I and III) and even played a badass dead guy! (Sixth Sense). Though I think this would be a great fight, with both man knowing how to take a lot of pain. Countless battles going 12 plus rounds, wiping your arse with 3 sea shells, running across broken glass, jumping off Nakatomi Plaza and flying back in through the window, to getting shot 6 times and taking it in style. I really think the heart as well as theme music of Rocky take this battle. Willis role as a mobster opposite of Matthew Perry really hurt him actually. Winner Stallone.

Round One Matchups

B-Movies Best Bracket

Steven Seagal (1) vs Dolph Lundgren (4)

I will admit Lundgren has an unfair advantage in this movie, no matter how badass he may seem in all of his movies he is usually playing bad guys, so inevitable he loses. However he deserves to be hear no matter how over matched he is. Roles as Drago where he is the Russia’s only hope to win the cold war, and as a reanimated, Vietnam casualy of war, that is made into the perfect soldier (Universal Soldier) keep this matchup close. But not even He-Man can withstand every single bone broken in his body. Segall, whose culture is so diverse that he has landed roles as an native American (Fire Down Below) a man trained in martial arts and of asian decent (Glimmer Man) and even a docter (Patriot) and a chef (Under Siege). Seagal is just to versed in to many great fighting techniques most notably, being able to throw knives and break any bone with one punch. "Suffice to say, to the people he hunted for us, he was known as the Glimmer Man. There'd be nothing but jungle, then a glimmer... Then you'd be dead." Nuff said.

Van Damme (2) vs Norris (3)

Talk about dream matchups, this is the highlight of the first round in my opinion. You take arguably the most famous Texan Ranger in history, Kordell Firewalker, and you match him up against Muscle from Brussle. Well, I wish I could just call this a draw, but for the sake of the tourney we need to have someone win this. Norris, is a probably the best known American Kung Fu expert, he has survived Vietnamese prison camps, and his round house kicks are legendary. However Van Damme is much better suited to this tournament style setup. Basically he has been there done that see films Bloodsport, Kickboxer, The Quest, and Street Fighter. He has one a tournament or two in his day, and he could be the early favorite to take this one as well.

Check back tomorrow for the semi-finals and finals.