Planet Hollywood Semi Final
Schwarzenegger vs Stallone
To me this is not even really that close of a battle. The Governor only has a couple of flaws, the fact that he played a pregnant man in one role (Junior) and the fact that he was in a movie so bad that I could not even finish it in Last Action Hero (I havent seen Jingle All The Way.. Stallone, did survive the leach invested water in a Vietnamese prison camp, but I just think his last big battle against Tommy Gunn, just took to much out of him. Stallone also loses some points for doing the same movie 6 different times. I am a big fan of Rocky III, IV, and V, but enough is enough Rock. Go make some more Rambo movies, oh wait…If Arnold can pull of being Danny Devito’s twin brother I don’t think he would have any problem taking down Johnny Rambo. Winner Scharzenegger.
B-Movies Best Semifinal
Seagall vs. Van Damme
This one is just too tough to call. My initial feeling is Van Damme is in better physical condition, his martial arts look better, and his movies have done much better (talk about picking between a giant douche and a turd sandwhich). However, that doesn’t take one thing into effect, Steven Seagall has never even been hurt before. I mean I have seen probably twenty of his movies and he could walk into a room with 10 guys with knives, and not get a scratch while killing every last one. Van Damme has the experience and it got him this far, but I don’t see him tough enough to kill a man that never has been injured. Throw in the fact the Seagall has a kickass Regae album and I think you know who is going to the finals. Winner Seagall.
Finals
Seagall vs. Scharzenegger
First of all I would like to say there hasn’t been a single upset yet in this tournament, and that could be do to the fact that I seeded all these guys as how badass I see them. Deal with it. Now onto the finals, what a dream matchup this is for me. I would love to see a movie with these two staring as partners. Think Rush Hour 4. Both of these men work well with partners and I think you would have box office gold, if you just let these guys do what they do best, beat the shit out of the bad guys, ask questions later. Ok, my wet dream needs to end, so I will tell you how I think it would play out. Conan the Barbarian definitely has the physical tools to win this fight. I mean this guy killed a Predator, not too many people can say that, in fact I believe he is the only human ever to do so. However his tear running down his face as he was lowered into a 10,000 degree pit of fire (Terminator 2), showed that he has a softer side. I think Seagall exploits this weakness, he has never cried or showed any emotion in any film. He treats every character as if it was the same and I think that gives him extra points. Plus he once uttered these spectacular words in a little movie called Marked for Death.
Monkey - Hey, you want some blow?
John Hatcher- Yeah, I want some blow. Put your hands where I can see 'em or I'm gonna blow your head off.
That is a line that actors dream about growing up. I know a man with no real martial arts background shouldn’t be able to take a Wisconsin-Superior grad, who majored in chiseling his body out of stone, but this is my tournament and Seagall, is the epitome of it. A genious when it comes to making movies for guys that don’t want all that other crap like well developed characters, a standard plotline, or good writing. A lot of times I just want to see some guy get kicked in the face, than the actor adding some horrible line, that he probably spent the last two years thinking about using as an add lib. Seagall, has never once made a movie that has received a good review, and I don’t remember the last time one of his movies even made it to the big screen. He is the essence of what is great about shitty cinema, you can spend millions of dollars making a movie look great, but sometimes the shittiest low budget movies, with terrible actors, can be your most enjoyable. I know I am going to rent a couple of these classics, and laugh hysterically as I watch the body count add up. Winner Seagall.
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