So, as it turns out, I've spent the past 15 years or so getting fat. It was really my junior year of high school where I lost my washboard abs. I decided to quit basketball and track to focus on lifting for my senior year of football. I didn't work nearly as hard as I imagined. I got stronger, but I also got softer in the middle. I went from about 170 to closer to 190.
During college, I went from 190 to 210. That was just plain chubby. Since then, I've had a few runs back under 200, but for the most part I've been adding a couple of pounds every year for the past 10 years or so. I went past chubby and portly at a full sprint and the officials don't need a time out for a measurement to know that I've passed the fat marker. I'm fat. Yeah, I said it. I'm not going to complain about my metabolism. Claim some thyroid problem. Bitch about my sedentary job. I earned this disgustingness the hard way. Too many double and triple servings of fatty, calorie loaded foods. Too many weekends with an extra 5,000 calories in booze. Too much time sitting on my ass and not enough time moving. Pretty simple really.
Unfortunately, I'm not alone in my morbid obesity. A couple of fellow fat-assed lawyers from my class and I have decided to enter into a bit of a weight loss contest. We weigh in on Monday, and the final weigh-out is March 6. The requirement is to lose 10% of my body weight during that time, or pay cash to those other fat cats. If we all meet the goal, everybody keeps their money. Fuck it, if I lose at least one of my chins, I'm all for it.
So, I have to weigh in on Monday and figure out the damage. I have a pretty good guess where I am, but I'm not 100% sure. (For you gamblers, I'd set the over-under at about 238.) Because humiliation is motivating, I will share short updates about my progress or lack thereof. If you can't manage to be supportive and encouraging, at least hurl insults at me to humiliate me into continuing.
I'll be back sometime on Monday with the most embarrassing number imaginable.
For all you skinny fuckers out there, go fuck yourself.
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3 comments:
Well, well, well. Now you are speaking a language I know all to much about. This sounds very interesting and cant wait for your follow-ups. It kind of sounds like a deal I made with my girl friend. If she buys me Nintendo Wii for my XMAS I promise to lose 10 lbs playing Wii Fit. 10% of your body weight is a very lofty goal, so I sugest you take this last weekend and do it the right way. I am talking Michael Phelps style mixing in at least a case a day Friday-Sunday. That should put you about 235 and you could possibly get down to 210 by March. I could lose 10% of my body weight just by taking a dump, but that wouldnt be fair to the competition. Yes math geeks I take 30 lb dumps, deal with it. If you need any help March 9th meeting your goal I would love to be the fat guy on Mike Tyson Punch out riding around on the bike screaming obscenities in your ear, while you run behind, in a sweatsuit, wondering if making weight against bald bull is really going to make that much of a difference. Until that day you should probably stay away from your cousin Tasty, he is nothing but a bad influence on anyone trying to take control of there body and lose some weight. Good luck to you though!
I'm starting with an anti-Wisconsin move. No beer and no cheese. There's 10 lbs. right there, pal.
If I could give up beer and cheese I would literally weigh 75lbs less. Of course I would be miserable and have no reason to live, but I would be a lot less chubby!
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