The Rant

So some of you may know, I had a date on Friday night. With a dude, yeah deal with it. I decided that my roommate Jake, who is my guy, who does so much around my place deserved a nice dinner. I planned on making Fajitas for myself all week, but it isnt really a meal you can make for one so i decided, that since it was just Jake and I home this weekend, I would ask him to dinner. We decided we couldnt make fajitas without some margaritas, so we went to the store and grabbed a bottle of Margarita mix, strawberry, and headed to my parents house where I was to take care of there animals. After dinner, Jake and I, had a moment to reflect on our lives. Something that a few margaritas, and the stickiest of the ickies, will make you do. I told him about my one run-in with the law and something that stuck with me until this day. If you dont know the story, my Junior year, my friend Cody and I got into a fight, and we ended up putting the hurt on this kid. He called the cops and threatened to press charges. The D.A. in Milwaukee decided not to press charges, but she did manage to rip us a new a-hole. I remember so well her looking at me and saying "look at you getting into a fight, a real tough guy. Tell me one thing that you would say you are proud of". Me, usually having an answer for everything, had nothing. I wanted to say going to college, but i was supporting, a low "C" average, and my main objective was worrying about how fucked up I was going to get each weekend. Well, I didnt come up with anything, I sat there like an idiot, as Cody told her how he was working to put himself through college, and how nobody thought he would even go to college, and he was really proud that he was going to get done in under five years. The question continued to perplex me. Surely there was something that I have done that I could be proud of. I am not talking about being proud of the fact, that you once put done a whole slice of pizza in one bite, or you managed to fast for a week, for a tin of chew, no I wanted it to be something I was truly proud of. Like raising a child who has his/her shit together. Or getting a big promotion, or marrying a great woman. I was stumped, I mean I had accomplishments, but surrounding all accomplishments that I had made were boughts of failure. I mean I was proud of some Sports achievements, coming back from tough injuries, etc, but in the end I ruined my sports career, by drinking, hardly something to be proud of. I then thought about being class president, and planning things like prom and graduation, and awards dinner, but then I remembered I was only voted into the role as class president, because my friends cheated, and voted numerous times. I even thought about being a good friend, and being proud of that, but surely everyone can think of a time, when they let there friends down.

So here I am scared shitless, that I am going to get a felony batery charge, but even worse I am thinking, what kind of damn loser cannot be proud of anything that he has done? I mean she had a great way of making this 20 year old kid feel like a million assholes. She was right, but still, I am guessing when she was 20, she was some frat house play toy, and spent her weekends taking it from all angles. Still from that day on, I could not forget about what she had said. I actually told myself that I need to do something that I am proud of. Since then, I havent done much, but I am proud of a few things. I did finally graduate well that isnt something to be too proud of especially under the circumstances, but my last semester I did get four "A's" so I did work hard. I started a job, and just last week I was praised for the good work I was doing, and that they believed I was learning more quickly than expected. I have been given a lot of responsibilty here at LCG and I am proud of that. I also bought a home, and although my parents coin, had a lot to do with it, those who saw my house know exactly how hard I had to work at getting it too look like it does. So I am starting to make decisions and choices that I am proud of, but I still have a long way to go.

The reason for this writing this rant, wasnt just to bore you with more rhetoric of what type of loser I can be. The real reason is too pose this question to everyone out there, that may be in the same position that I was, that morning sitting in the D.A.'s office. I will pose this question to all of you, what decisions in your life can you say you are truly proud of. I bet for some of you, when you think hard about it you wont like what you see. However dont feel bad, because honestly, I believe the only way we can truly better ourselves, is through self reflection. You know kind of what I use this blog for, to reflect back on the many things, that I have fucked up in my life, and the few things I have done right. The thing is I am always trying to better myself, and it takes moments like this for that to happen. As for the dude date, I didnt get any ass, or even a handy, but it was a very special evening.