Retro Blog Post

Alright and now for the moment not too many of you have been waiting for. The number one most embarrassing moment in the life of one Matthew Earl Browne. My thanks go out to everyone who can appreciate a good embarrassing story. I do have to say not one person has sent me a story to compete with my list which is disappointing. I was kind of hoping this would be an open forum, but the blog has received good initial reviews which is good so I will keep them coming.

Surprise! Another story that takes place when I was in high school. For those of you who don’t know me the thing that I wanted most while I was their was to lose my virginity and when it finally happened I thought my life was complete. For about the next 6 months pretty much the only thing I wanted to do was master the art form. Through my years I have encountered many forms of chemical dependency, but none have had a firmer grip on me. That was until the biggest sex scandal rocked the two small towns of Marshall and Deerfield.

My girlfriend at the time was an All-American girl. She was good at everything and I mean everything. She played every sport, student council, theatre, choir, math team, science team, you name it and she did it. Plus she was a blond bombshell and she had my head spinning. Now I know most of you are thinking how in the hell did he ever pull something like that and to be honest with you I have no idea. One important thing to note in this story is the fact that she was from Deerfield and that people from Deerfield usually have 20 to 40 family members living within the town limits. She was no different and her family agreed with me thinking that for the most part she was out of my league. Her parents did like me which was good because they scared the crap out of me. Her dad was about 6-5 320 pounds and I felt that if I hurt his daughter in any way that my days here would be numbered. Her mom was petit but I also knew that a slip up would be deadly.

Well like I said once we this girl and I began having sex it was almost like we were single handedly trying to save the earths population. This was difficult because at the time neither of us were allowed in each others rooms. The skin on my knees is perma carpet burned. Life was good. One day when I got home from school I got a call from her and I could tell something was wrong. Call it intuition or it could have been the sobbing in which I could not understand anything she was saying. All I could make out was my Dad knows that we are having sex. “Hmmm”. I thought to myself, “maybe this relationship was never meant to be walk away now and live to fight another day”. That was what I was thinking what I was saying was, “Hold on I will be right over.” Now I made the 8 mile trip probably a thousand times but this is the only one I remember. I was shaking the whole way over there and I honestly I thought of all the horrible things he was going to do to me. On the way over there my girlfriend had called me back and this time she told me the complete story. She had said one of he fathers old friends was in the plumbing business. One of his job descriptions was pumping septic tanks. Now I do not know all the ins and outs to the waste removal business but what she told me blew my fucking mind. Apparently during the pumping process an obscene amount of used contraceptives were detected. This must have really amused the plumber as he could not wait to give it to my girlfriends father. See he did not know about me and he thought that her dad was trying to put the spark back into there relationship. I still have never heard how that conversation went or the look on his face during but what I do know is it did not take any CSI team to know whose DNA was floating in that sess pool. When I pulled up to the drive way there he was sitting on the bench outside. I had never seen him sit outside and I figured it was just to keep the blood from getting on his carpet. I got out of my car and sat down beside him where we proceeded to sit in silence for about ten minutes. He finally said, “You should probably go inside you are not my favorite person right now,” before he was finished I was inside my heart racing and my palms sweating. Her mother waited for me inside with a nice hug and she told me that she did not think I would make inside. I sat in the living room by myself for the next hour her dad outside her upstairs me wondering when the next time she will want to have sex. After an hour she came down and was very thankful that I had come over her mother and father sat us down and gave us the dreaded speech. I told them that I loved there daughter and meant that with all my heart and they knew that someday this would happen. They probably did not think like this, but who the hell did. The next week her mom had taken her to get on the pill, yeaaaaaaaaaaah, and we never used a condom again. This fact is something I got quite used to and came back to bite me in a story that narrowly missed the top ten. All in all everything worked out and I have a great story to tell everyone.