During my last weekend of drinking for a while I decided to head to the strip club that resides just minutes from my house. The talent was quite exceptional for this joint, but money was thin and I made the conscience decision to sit back and watch while getting completely fucked up. Needless to say the rippers do not like this type of behavior and soon after I was being harassed to come up and spend some of my hard earned, actually borrowed, cash. I stumbled up sat down and watch as she "worked" for hers. I did not let her have a single dollar and lets just say this made her angry. She stole my hat and through it onstage. Throughout the whole next song I just sat there drunk and pissed while she worked my buddies over I again did not give her a single dollar. After the song she picked up my hat and saw sweat in it and commented on how sweating could be a direct correlation to be being chubby. This I thought was quite ironic. A stripper, a girl who gets paid to take her clothes off who undoubtedly has a coke problem and self-esteem issues, who was has made a career of being degraded by men, was poking fun of a perceived weight problem. Wow! This inspired my top 10 stripper moments.
#10 Telling a stripper that she was the women of my dreams and I would love to marry her. This is not really that funny until you realize that this was one of the ugliest strippers of all time. Maybe I thought she had hit rock bottom and was looking for someone to pick her up.
#9 Stealing drinks from a stripper on Xmas. This was not at a strip club, but she was nonetheless a stripper who was working the dance floor hard. Every time she got up from our table I would finish her drink only for her to buy a new one and for me to finish that. "C$$$ will make you jump, jump"
#8 The worst stripper of all-time asking me about how school was going as she paced back and forth on stage. The only time I have ever seen people all leave the stage when she came on. Unreal her go-to move was hold pole with left hand swing around one time. She was quick to point out that was her first night.
#7 Our group of buddies buying all of the raffle tickets to ensure a lapper only two have one ticket left. Jake, I love you man, but you should have never just given me that winning ticket. Turned out to be one of the best lappers this young boy has ever had.
#6 A kid in a candy store. Watching Ryan Powell blow all of his money on strippers and booze. I have never seen anyone have more fun at a strip club. I especially loved him puking all over the bar as we took a shot of tequila.
#5 Big John Gordon passed out at the urinal. I have never seen this before but my buddies dad had his head rested up against the wall cock in hand passed out at his sons bachelor party. Needless to say that was fun night.
#4 Two on one. Getting a lap dance with one of my best girl friends of all-time. I will leave her name out of this but it was amazing. Probably the closest I will ever be to the ever elusive threesome.
#3 Big Worms concussion. As you probably know it is a norm for strippers to rough up guys on stage. Well I have never seen them rough up someone off of the stage until I saw my buddy worm get pushed out of his chair only too hit his head on the table behind. Wow that was close to being a lawsuit.
#2 "Hey you in the pink" N.O.E.L.= Nibble on every lady. One of the funniest things I have ever seen as my buddy almost got the boot for a little nipple nibbling. I guess motor boating is not enough for you Noel you son of a bitch.
#1 "I am going to ask you guys to leave". Well the Body Shop is a classy place and I guess soliciting prostitution does not go over well there. I had won a lap dance playing the raffle, I think I have won more than I have bought, and my buddies talked me into asking this innocent little maiden how much "a little more would cost" needless to say it did not go over well. My only complaint was I was unable to enjoy the dance because I could see all of my buddies in the mirror to feet away from giggling like little bitches in anticipation of me asking.
Does anyone else dare to leave there favorite strip club moment.
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Nice browne! i am proud to say i was able to be a part of a few of your glorious moments at tittie barz. one of my better moments was at zirbels bachelor party in Juneau what is that paradise city? not sure any way. a group of homos wearing the "i am adam zirbel bitch!" jersey in a bus with more beer and whisky than a army base in bahgdad it was sure to be a drunkin' sexual harrassemt fueled night. so we get into the club and its penthouse pet night, needless to say i was told the next day because i dont think i saw one aeriola to speak of...i was fucking drunk. anyhoo you know the part in boogy nights were they go to the dudes house to steal the coke and money and the kid is throwing firecrackers all over the place. its a strange, intense, edgy mood. well some genious decided to bring 20 packs of black cats and at first was lighting of one by one. then decided to string about 5 packs together and thow it in dark corner. well lets just say it sounded like a fucking oozy going off in a strip club, it made for an interesting unexpected but much needed exit from boobs and booze. we stumbled back to the bus as to where i found a camera. i began taking, what i thought were going to be great drunk pictures to laugh about after the fact. i was getting some real candid photos. turns out all i got was some piss pants and sweaty hairy arms every where. looked more like the banana boat bus of raging fags! anyway that came to mind.
Another favorite moment of that night had to be the Jack Daniels slam off me and your old man had at 1 in the afternoon. I think that is where the term whicky was coined. Also loved the smell of puke the whole way home on the bus and everyone passed out riding home with there feet off the ground. Also loved the fact that when the bus pulled back in everyone got in there cars and drove home. Only in sconny. Luckily i had some squirrel come pick me up.
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