Friday Rant: Crazy Little Thing Called Love

Ok, this is not some sequel to the gayest post ever, put some interesting things have happened regarding my love life that I have wanted to share with my readers. I am officially the biggest cocksucking, asshole, in the world. In the last 6 months, I have had one girl tell me that I have ruined the last seven years of her life, and she wished she never met me. Then recently my girl friend, off and on for the past 5 years, told me over a voice message, and I quote, "the last five years of my life did not exist, you do not exist, forget you ever new me, your a joke". Those were actually some of the kinder sentiments from the voice message. I still don't know why she left me that message, I feel like it would be pointless for me to call and find out. It seemed like she had pretty much made up her mind on what type of person I was, and it wasnt someone she wanted to be associated with.

The message she left combined with the words uttered from the girl from last summer have really made me do some thinking. Am I this piece of shit asshole that these two girls say I am? I mean it is tough to just shake it off, when these girls would rather have not ever met you, than admit that any of the long duration they knew me was worth it. I listened to that message four or five times before a calming peace came over me. So these girls hate me, they hope to never see me again, I am a piece of shit, however, I must have had some qualities that really made them like me. I mean you cannot hate someone as passionately as they do without loving first, I dont think it is possible. Maybe the reason they hate me so much is because I wouldnt love them back, not that this is a good reason to hate someone, because I do and did care about both of these girls, and never wanted anyone to get hurt.

The thing that now has me worried is I have obviously have putten up this wall, I open up to girls and let them get close, then when they feel comfortable and want me to open up to them and give them the love they so desperately need, I do something that for sure will get them to hate me. In the latters case, I showed up at her house at 6 a.m. with a hickey on my neck. At first I thought this was just me in my drunken stuper, however now I feel like the reason I went over to my ex's house, is subconsciencly (wow I butchered that spelling) I wanted her to hate me so we would have some closure in our relationship. Maybe I am more comfortable with a girl telling me that I am a fucking asshole and "a joke" than I am with opening myself up and allowing myself to get hurt. Either way, and what I am trying to say, is I don't think these girls hate me. I think they are frustrated that they never got what they want from me. I hate stupid analogies especially one about cards but fuck it, its my blog. I am not going to put all my chips into the pot, unless I know I have a good chance at winning. If I dont think the money is worth it, then why risk your entire stack.

Ok the poker lesson is over, but I want to end with this. Ladies, it is not that I am not capable of loving, it is just I am not going to love or show any vulnerability, until I know it is worth it. If I feel like it is safe and I can come out a big winner by doing so, than hell yeah I will put all my chips in, cross my fingers, and hope for the best. If I lose, so be it, I have been hurt before. It is that reason that I can happily be called a piece of shit, and a joke of a man, because the words are much better than loving the wrong girl.